You didn’t think I’d ignore you today, did you my lovelies? Of course not. Real friends don’t ignore their friends just because they are one part of a couple, and years of being alone on Valentine’s Day, my birthday, and other holidays has left me ever-sensitive to the needs of my single friends on such days.

The folks at Lifetime also must have spent a few holidays alone because they’ve put together a collection of 13 “worst breakup stories” — two-minute videos of women (and a few men) telling their once-heartbreaking-now-funny breakup stories. The series, called The Breakup Diaries, has classics — and some scenarios that might make Paul Simon want to revise the count in 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.

One of my favorites is the story of Beth’s break up — it involves maple syrup, but that doesn’t make the story any sweeter. Her story combines three of the classics: The No-Show, The Walk-In-On, and He Comes Bearing Gifts.

Lauren’s story involves “Shmen” making — and sharing with her — a list of reasons why he was breaking up with her. This one is probably my favorite one. Not just because it’s funny, but because Lauren found the silver lining, which is what we all need to do when we’ve lost a lover.

Reassured by Lauren’s story and remaining ever hopeful, you will now download the free Let’s Get It On by Marvin Gaye MP3 from Amazon. You can mock its smarmy sex-fest mentality with your bitterness today, and then save it for play again on another day when you’ve got a partner to groove in the bedroom with. And yes, dear, that day will come.