Tag: dating

Putting Singles In Their Place

/ Alessia / Leave a comment

PlumParty.com calls this set of 8 placecard holders singles placecard holders:

But with labels such as “tease,” “high maintenance,” “gold digger,” “drama queen,” “damaged goods,” and “on the rebound,” I think they are perfectly wonderful for any good old-fashioned get together. Sure, for girls’ night, but how much fun to use as a party game in mixed company –with couples too — where you either…

A) turn the moniker away from the chair, facing the rest of the dinner guests, and have each guest guess what their label is

Or, B) you hand one to each guest as they enter, and have them act out their label, making the other people guess what their personality/circumstance is.

Naturally, all your guests will need to be both secure enough with themselves not to take anything personally as well as have a good sense of humor about the whole thing. But you’re cool like that, so you must have friends that cool too.

(Or at least you are wise enough to know better than to get these placecard holders to begin with.)

Maxim Readers In Relationships Met Where?

/ Alessia / Leave a comment

Continuing my look at Maxim‘s 2009 Sex Survey…

An interesting point to note is that of the 45.8% of women who claim to be in a relationship at the time of this survey, 57.3% of them met their current partner via friends. That’s greater than all the other options (18.9% at work, 10.8% at bar or club, 13% online *) combined.

Granted, that list isn’t every possible way for singles to meet, but I think the heavy dip towards introduction by friends proves my point that meeting people through people you know (aka having friends and a social life) works. And that the fact that your friends know & approve of these guys makes dating more likely to turn into relationships; this pre-screening makes these matches more acceptable to your support network and that increases your success as a couple.

This is not to say that there is no other way, but the old traditional methods still apply to dating today.

Meeting through friends means those in the group will have a greater number of things in common. Not just social activities and interests either. Compatibility has as much to do with similar religious, economic, social or class backgrounds, and other cultural issues (the roots of “values,” if you will), which means that your “at home” feeling with one another is more than just the bond of the familiarity of the faces in your social circle.

So hook up through your friends already.

* Click the scan to read the bit titled, Internet Hating; it’s as much a warning as it is a hoot to read. (Unlike my nemesis publication, Cosmo, Maxim‘s humor is spot-on, not kitsch.)

Better Fish In Another Pond?

/ Alessia / Leave a comment

You got the looks, the career, the car, the social network — everything but Mr. Right and you want him!!

If you’re female, age 25 to 40, single, attractive and successful in every aspect of life except one… If you’ve ever had that feeling that Mr. Right is out there but not where you live… That there are other fish in the sea — but you’re on the wrong shore… That if you could just leave town, go to another state, you’d meet that perfect guy? If this sounds like you — or someone you know — you’ll be interested in what ABC Media Productions has planned.

Right now, they’re casting for a new reality special called Holidate to be broadcast this fall on SOAPnet. Sort of like a Wife Swap for singles and the Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jude Law, & Jack Black film Holiday, Holidate will arrange for two single women to temporarily swap locations, live at the other’s home, date men in the other woman’s social circle, etc., and stay in touch with one another on their “journey to find love” in this search for better fishing.

The show will provide all the details and the plane ticket; you just have to believe in love, be willing to have your attempts at love be broadcast on television, and, of course, risk the giant “what ifs” of what happens if you do find Mr. Right and have to work out a long distance relationship & the pragmatic stuff of just who moves…

(Maybe that’s the topic of SOAPnet’s next reality special?)

To apply or nominate another single woman for casting in the special, please submit your name, age, occupation, city & state, along with a recent photo &/or MySpace or Facebook page link to HolidateCasting@yahoo.com. You may also contact the casting directors directly: Ulysses Lee (singleladiescasting@yahoo.com) or Kristina Gorolevich (KristinaCasting@yahoo.com). Or you can use this handy online form.

As always, please tell folks that Alessia of Relationship Underarm Stick sent you. Thanks!

Loved One Can’t Commit to Anything?

/ Alessia / 1 Comment

Got a loved one who can’t commit — to anything? We’re not just talking about the usual commitment resistant guy (or gal)… We’re talking about some seriously deep-rooted issues with living up to their word — in pretty much any area.

Are you having issues with someone who can’t propose to you after years of dating? Have you had talks about the future but now worry that you’re dating a giant commitment-phobe?

Do you struggle with a loved one who promises something but frequently falls short on delivering? Are you tired of hearing your boyfriend will be on time – and then he’s not. Does your husband always promise he’ll complete a home renovation – but you’re still living with a hole in your living room wall and tools left everywhere?

Are there promises of washing the dishes, walking the dog, or showing up at the movies – that never seem to pay off and you’re over feeling frustrated?

Sound like someone you know? Would you like Dr. Phil’s advice? If you are willing to appear on the show, then the Dr. Phil show wants to hear from you (preferably by the 25th of this month). Contact the show’s producers directly via their online form. Please note: If you’re under 18, you must have a parent or guardian fill out the form, and use of the form is your consent that the material may be used on the show or Web site.

And please be sure to tell them that Alessia from Relationship Underarm Stick sent you!

Cosmo Is For Those With Relationship Autism (And Living 60 Years Ago)

/ Alessia / 1 Comment

I know that you’re thinking I’m an insensitive bitch for saying “Relationship Autism” — but I have members of my family & friends on the Autism Spectrum (as well as others with similar challenges) and so I know what the hell (and what hell) I am talking about.

I know, I know, I know, that me mocking relationship advice &/or those who need it seems pretty freakin’ hypocrytical — but dude, there’s a difference between honestly trying to help people and doing what Cosmo does. And just what is it that Cosmo does? Oh, thanks for asking — because I’m dying to tell you.

Cosmo tells us things we all should know — like if he strokes your thigh, “sexy one-on-one time” is on his mind. (February 2009 issue.)

A-doy.

Something we all know — unless, of course, you seriously are on the Autism Spectrum or otherwise have a note from your doctor regarding an emotional &/or cognitive deficit. (But if you or someone you know does have such issues, they should not — repeat, NOT — be reading Cosmopolitan magazine. In fact, I don’t know just who should be reading Cosmo…  There’s danger in that-there publication.)

But just in case we aren’t grasping this subtlety of human behavior or have some memory problems, Cosmo wants us to know that he likes it if we grab his thigh too. (March 2009 issue)

This sort of turn-about is about as close to liberated as issues of Cosmo get.

(And no, I am not done with pointing out Cosmo‘s flaws — until they clean-up their act, I’ll keep up my activities alerting you to their irrelevance.)

Casting Call: Blushing All The Way To Your Pink Sneakers

/ Alessia / Leave a comment

Is your mom a cougar? Does she you flirt with your friends and dates — and friends’ dates? Does your uncle or the man you are dating have a “Peter Pan” complex and need to grow up? Are you an adult virgin or having difficulties with relationships because you just hate sex?

If any of these topics apply to you or someone you know — and you want to air the dirty laundry in public (and you know how I feel about that!) — Pink Sneakers Productions, the folks who bring you My Big Redneck Wedding & Brooke Knows Best, want to hear from you for a new untitled docu-series.

To be considered, email a brief description of your story, and headshots if possible, to casting@pinksneakers.net. Or call the casting department at 407.464.2080.

Remember to tell them Alessia at Relationship Underarm Stick sent you!

Of Labeling, Limiting & Running Your Fingers Down Some New Spines

/ Alessia / 2 Comments

Andi (of Outer Limits — a most fun blog), has an excellent post: lesbian fiction, or does this book make me look gay? (Who doesn’t get sucked into reading with a title like that?!)

Her discussion (similar to this round-table: Labeling Lesbian Fiction Debate) centers on the issue of whether or not it is a service, a disservice, or a meaningless point, to label works of fiction as “lesbian.”

I’m straight (but not narrow), so maybe my opinion doesn’t really count — but I’m not afraid of books or movies or TV shows or whatever with lesbians or gay or trans folk. If people want to play Guess The Reader’s Orientation By Her Book Purchases (Or Reading Habits), that’s their little game & I don’t care. Besides, they’d be puzzled anyway.

I think separating books by “character orientation” is as silly as categorizing them by marital status. So if we have “Gay Mysteries”, “Bisexual Westerns, “Trans Literature” and “Lesbian Sci-Fi” then why not have “Celibate Sci-Fi” (maybe that’s redundant? lol), “Old Maid Romance” (err, that fits some people who confuse fantasy fiction with real life expectations for relationships) and “Heterosexual Monogamous Adventures” (if strictly read in the missionary position, it’s surely an oxymoron)… Though “Married & Not Getting Any Mysteries” might actually be found in self-help. Heh.

I joke, but I’m serious about segregating books based on character orientation. What’s next, stories with African American characters can only sit on shelves at the back of the store? Because that’s what these categories feel like to me; just another way to label and limit.

A good detective story, adventure, or love story, is a good read no matter what labels the publisher or Barnes & Nobel clerk assigns the book in the shelving process. Fictional characters & their stories are no more limited to their orientation — or gender, race, marital status, religious beliefs, political party or any other label — then real people are. When you categorize, label, and therefore limit the fictional people, you are inches away from limiting the real people.

Which brings us to dating.

While it’s good to know yourself and know the characteristics you’re looking for & even require in a mate, it’s ridiculous to categorize, label and limit potential dates — you’re only limiting yourself.

OK, so maybe being totally, inflexibly straight &/or Republican means you may have limit yourself in a category or two.  But it doesn’t mean you need to ignore a million other people by the labels they have or the labels you think they have.  Meeting other people means you’ll be exposed to more characters, more stories.

So go ahead, run your fingers along a few spines outside your typical categories; see what new characters you find and what new stories you’ll have to tell.

Alone Today? Valentine’s Day For Singles

/ Alessia / 1 Comment

You didn’t think I’d ignore you today, did you my lovelies? Of course not. Real friends don’t ignore their friends just because they are one part of a couple, and years of being alone on Valentine’s Day, my birthday, and other holidays has left me ever-sensitive to the needs of my single friends on such days.

The folks at Lifetime also must have spent a few holidays alone because they’ve put together a collection of 13 “worst breakup stories” — two-minute videos of women (and a few men) telling their once-heartbreaking-now-funny breakup stories. The series, called The Breakup Diaries, has classics — and some scenarios that might make Paul Simon want to revise the count in 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.

One of my favorites is the story of Beth’s break up — it involves maple syrup, but that doesn’t make the story any sweeter. Her story combines three of the classics: The No-Show, The Walk-In-On, and He Comes Bearing Gifts.

Lauren’s story involves “Shmen” making — and sharing with her — a list of reasons why he was breaking up with her. This one is probably my favorite one. Not just because it’s funny, but because Lauren found the silver lining, which is what we all need to do when we’ve lost a lover.

Reassured by Lauren’s story and remaining ever hopeful, you will now download the free Let’s Get It On by Marvin Gaye MP3 from Amazon. You can mock its smarmy sex-fest mentality with your bitterness today, and then save it for play again on another day when you’ve got a partner to groove in the bedroom with. And yes, dear, that day will come.

Of Platonic Friendships, Jealousy & Tunics

/ Alessia / 2 Comments

Growing up, my dad often expressed the fact that men were always looking for sex.

When you just hung out with a boy, he’d outright ask — or at least those eyebrows would, “Did he make a move on you?”

When you laughed out loud that Steve was sooo not that kind of guy, dad said, “Oh, yes he is.”

And when you argued your case, illustrating just exactly how Steve never did make a move of any kind, even when you were literally crying on his shoulder about how some jerk guy had treated you, dad would reply, “Oh, he’s one of them tunics then.”

“Tunics” was the word he used because once, in struggling to recall the word “eunuch“, his mouth mistakenly said “tunic”. We never let him forget it either, so the word “tunic” became synonymous with “eunuch” — and you can imagine our laughter in the 70’s when fashion sported the tunic and there was much flowery talk, including of freedom, used to sell it.

Anyway, dad used the word “tunic” to describe platonic situations.

He just couldn’t understand how any man — even one who respected you — would be able to restrain himself from stealing a kiss or at least giving you one of those long romantic looks which would turn a girl’s belly to goo and let her know that romance was in the air…

Dad’s point was that everyman was looking for romance & sex — unless he was physically unable to perform it. So if Steve wanted to spend time with you, but did not make a move at all, there must have been something literally, physically preventing him from it.

It’s not that dad was a letch — he was, and remains, one helluva a romantic, intelligent and sensitive man. To him, spending time with a woman was about all a man needed to do to feel amorous — especially a single guy whose ultimate love was still waiting for him out there somewhere. Any girl could be The One — or at least a lot of fun.

He even told me about a time when my sister and I were little girls and we went to the mall with him. He spotted a pretty young woman with her own child in a stroller, and he and that woman shared a moment. Their eyes locked briefly, they each noted the other’s children and presumed marital status, then locked eyes again & smiled, as if to say that if they had met in another place and time…

Even happily married people with no intentions weren’t sexually or romantically dead; so why, dad reasoned, would an available guy do the time with an available girl if he wasn’t wanting to do the deed?

Dad was not a whistling wolf. He did not appear as a cartoon sex predator. Yet he said men were always ready and looking… It was confusing, but I had to believe him. Sometimes he was right too. But does that mean that there are no such things as platonic friendships between heterosexual men and women?

CNN recently posed the question in a recent article titled Should your wife have guy-friends? According to recent data, platonic relationships do occur:

Some 83 percent of the people surveyed think that cross-gender friendships can and do exist, according to a 2001 Match.com poll of more than 1,500 members. And a 2006 study by Canada’s Public Health Agency of nearly 10,000 Canadian children shows that they often start early, with 65 percent of boys and 60 percent of girls declaring three or more close opposite-sex friends by grade 10.

But as many of you with such opposite-sex friendships know, they aren’t always accepted — especially by your romantic partners and lovers who just don’t understand:

Jealousy over an opposite-sex friendship can be the result of projection, says Dr. Bonnie Jacobson, a New York City clinical psychologist and author of “Love Triangles: Seven Steps to Break the Secret Ties That Poison Love.”

“People project onto another person something they would do,” Jacobson says. “If Tom says to Sally, ‘I don’t want you to hang out with Harry,’ it’s very likely Tom feels he would violate that boundary [if he were in the same situation], so he imagines his wife will, too.”

I know this is true; I’ve seen it acted out. But what about the guys, like my dad, who really just don’t get it? Not because they are projecting, not because they are jealous jerks, but just because the concept is so foreign to them?

Well, keep those lines of communication open. Listen to his concerns, his point of view, but reassure him too by explaining how it works for you. Other advice from that CNN article includes the following reality checks:

• Be honest. “Never lie about the time you spend with your friend,” Sabatini says. “If you don’t feel comfortable telling your husband you’re going to hang out, then maybe he has a reason to worry.”

• Socialize as a group. “Spend time with both your significant other and your friend,” Sabatini says. “And acknowledge your love for your spouse in front of your friend.”

Valentine’s Day Dating & Relationship Tips

/ Alessia / 11 Comments

Thirteen Thoughts About (& Some Gift Suggestions For) Valentine’s Day

For The Single:

1 Do remember your friends! It’s still fun to send & receive Valentines — even if they are silly, they are sweet.

2 Don’t be bitter -and go ahead, buy yourself something you want. Not to cheer yourself up, but to treat yourself. Hey, if you don’t express self love or think you’re worth treating special, who will?

(And don’t ask me to suggest things for you — you should know you. If you don’t, you are light-years away from being ready for a relationship.)

For The Bitterly Single

I told you not to be bitter; but if that ship has sailed…

3 Do try to get over it. It’s one day. And while you’re working for One Day, don’t overlook what today & this moment has for you. See: For The Single above.

4 Do try to have fun with friends — those single or or not. Have fun, enjoy yourself! But…

5 Don’t go to bars or parties if you’re feeling angry &/or desperate. (It shows and never ends well. Plus you’ll embarrass your friends and that’s not cool.)

Unless…

It’s a party just for the bitterly single. You folks can eat gummy hearts (writing your own wicked sentiments on the gift box — that’s half the fun!) and poke pins in a red Voodoo doll.

Do not, under any circumstances, give such things to even your best friend unless you too are single; like the ‘N’ word, those in relationships do not get to make such jokes.

6 Don’t call and ex. Don’t even kid yourself that you’re just friends, that it’s perfectly fine for you to go out as buddies, because even if you make it past the phone call (and he doesn’t reject you for the crazy desperate chick you are), you’ll either be doing #5 &/or end up as fuck buddies for the night.

And let’s face it, that only results in A) being in a relationship that already has been deemed wrong for you, B) with one of you over-the-moon for the other & all dreamy-eyed waiting by the phone the rest of the weekend, C) one of you thinking the other is a cheap & easy lay, ready for any 3 A.M. booty call, D) any combination of the above.

Just skip all that.

For Those Dating

7 Do get him or her a card, send an ecard or whatnot, depending upon your relationship.

8 Don’t send a card that says, “I Love You!” unless you’ve already spoken those words to one another.

9 Do get a gift — a nice, not a joke, gift — and only if you are celebrating the holiday together. Do not go overboard.

10 Don’t give inappropriate gifts. Like if you haven’t had sex with her yet, don’t give her lingerie. It’s too loaded with expectations.  Even if you’ve had sex, but this holiday is early in your relationship, avoid such cliché gifts which express a (hopeful) question or (rude) assumption rather than sentiment.  A middle of the road gift idea which says, “I love — and lust — you!” is a pretty pair of panties in a box with perfume, jewelry, &/or a book she’s wanted…  Something that expresses interest in more than just her bod.

Chicks, you typically make the mistake of going overboard in your gift giving; it’s equally inappropriate. Presenting him with something too extravagant is one part projection (it’s the extravagant gesture you want him to make) and one part presumption (that marriage is the next step, or this is The First Gift Of The Rest Of Your Lives).  Don’t make him feel guilty &/or pressured with gifts; they’re to be nice, thoughtful and fun.  For many of you this will mean spending a third (or less!) than the price of that ‘perfect’ item you instinctively thought of — or already bought. (If you already bought something ridiculously expensive, take it back now.)

For Married People Or Those Otherwise Deeply Committed

11 Do give a card and a gift. One is not a replacement for the other.

12 Do make it memorable. Here’s an excellent idea:

If you’re married or otherwise sure she’s The One, a really nice romantic touch is to also give her a (archival quality) scrapbook to store this card and all future cards in. Do this right, and you probably won’t need to have another gift. Write a little note inside, telling her that this is a scrapbook of your love… From now on, all your cards to one another shall be properly placed inside it; ephemeral proof of your lasting love that shall live on as proof for future generations. *dreamy sigh*

Yes, we love cheesy stuff like this; and no, you don’t need to tell all your macho pals. She’ll probably do that part for you anyway. *wink*

13 Don’t get your partner something that suggests work. Not even ‘from the kids’. No one wants a gift that says, “Fix my car, monkey-wrench boy!” or, “Make me some heart-shaped eggs, bitch!”

Now go forth and make with the merry, not the faux pas.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here! UPDATE: The original site appears to be down, so please check Thursday-13.com!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

The Science Behind My Personal Seduction

/ Alessia / 1 Comment

I finally was able to get in to take that questionnaire regarding Friday night’s Science of Seduction show (the show must have been popular because I had a heck of a time logging in and getting the question pages to load — most frustrating).

First of all, I should say that like many such quizzes, I was frustrated by the all or nothing options for reply; why can’t they offer that middle road option of “neither A or B” or “I don’t feel strongly about any option”. And the language/phrasing is sort of ridiculous — “I laugh with my partner ‘Always'”?! Even when he’s sad? I don’t think that’s a real option. Fully aware that these absolutes, no matter how silly &/or frustrating, allow for easier computations, I proceeded. But I just had to vent (and perhaps warn those of you who feel likewise about such things).

Now onwards, to the results…

While watching the show, my first instincts were that I would be a Director — or at least have strong enough Director tendencies to warrant them appearing in my results. But maybe that was Old Me; I’ve surely changed over the years. (Which too brings up the subject that we do change, and so what does that say about biology? It must be more fluid than fixed, right?) Anyway, I did not receive any Director notes in my findings.

Instead I’m an Explorer with a side dish of Negotiator.

OK, so I totally can see myself as a combination between Angelina Jolie and Bill Clinton. And I’m guessing both of them figured they’d have some Director results too.

Since I’m not dating, but happily married, the only way I could really attempt to evaluate this scientific belief system was to get the husband involved. So I make him take the test when he returned home from work.

The husband was deemed Primarily a Builder, with secondary Director traits. Because he is even more jaded about such personality tests than I am (and had not seen the show, so he thought we were suppose to match in our findings), his response to hearing my results was to jokingly say, “So we’re going to divorce?”

I told him then that Builders are to fit with other Builders, Explorers with other Explorers, and that Directors and Negotiators are to fit together well. His reply was the sardonic, “So we’ll only get a quarter of a divorce then.” I’m not sure that math is right (I’m thinking it’s half non-matching); but at least his reaction was similar to mine: We are not doomed no matter what these quiz things say.

In reflecting upon our likelihood of relationship success based upon biological anthropologist Helen Fisher’s theory, I’m not exactly convinced.

Not only do I remain skeptical about the findings (I still feel I am a Director of sorts; and the husband’s Director status leaves me puzzled, frankly), but I don’t think the theory is any more sound than astrology — or Myers-Briggs. Maybe that’s a part of my non-conformist Explorer self.

But should the science be more accurate than my faith in it, I do think there are things to learn here.

For example, the husband is far more traditional that I; it’s something that rears it’s argumentative head from time to time when we approach problems and plan activities. And maybe that Director thing — even my thinking I am one — is part of our troubles in final decisions; I sometimes do feel that my solution is less accepted because I’m more intuitive, even in my logic (I don’t have flip charts to present to him). So I can see where a couple could use this information to negotiate problems.  Such information could prove useful when navigating problems — if you can use the science to remove the “personally” from “personality” and thereby feel less judged.  Then maybe you can relax in the knowledge that your partner’s traits are their traits; not a sign that you’re wrong.

Of course you’ll still have to deal with your differences.

For those dating, knowing more about yourself and the kind of persons more likely to suit your type can help spare you some heartache.

20/20’s The Science of Seduction: Why Him, Why Her?

/ Alessia / 1 Comment

Live blogging 20/20’s show The Science of Seduction: Why Him, Why Her?

When I first heard about the show, which is sort of based upon biological anthropologist Helen Fisher’s book Why Him, Why Her? — a book which claims there are personality types — I thought, “Well here’s another form of astrology.” I won’t say I hate astrology; those daily things suck, but the general overviews are slightly informative. Then there’s Chinese astrology etc. So maybe these are some basic bits of information on personality, but what about personal experiences? I know far more women who are happily married to ‘men just like their dads’ then perfect astrology matches.

But after hearing of the research and science behind, I’m more intrigued…

I don’t think we are any more trapped by biology than we are the stars or family patterns. However, I think I want to check out this book and see if it is perhaps yet another layer — another framework among several. And when you lay each over the other, you end up with a complicated, yet far more accurate image of how we seek , who we find, and what we end up with.

Part of the television program also included being ‘damaged’ or insecure regarding relationships based on former experiences, opting to show professional matchmakers as a means to find love, or at least meet people. It wasn’t very helpful as far as remedies to your fragile belief in dating & relationships, but there was something very informative in this segment. The matchmaker said, “Many people say they want love, but aren’t ready for love.” I found that to be the most important part of that segment. It was too bad that 20/20 edited it to look as if the matchmaker was defensively using this as an excuse for not having perfect performance.

On the flip side, 20/20 erred in the next segment their aired. It was on arranged marriages, and rather than focusing on the wisdom provided by the expert who mentioned that a huge key in the success of Indian arranged marriages was the ceremony which clearly put an emphasis on the investment of both the bride & groom’s families and their communities to make such marriages work; 20/20 ended the segment with the small percentage rate of divorces in India, leaving out the plethora of cultural differences which can also account for such disparity. Leaving that as the last word, rather than the insight into total family & community commitment to the couple’s success, left me lingering on more negative, less helpful facts.

Second to that, were the damning statements about love as depicted in song and film (something covered in that study I’m participating in).

Ah, so at the end, the expert, Helen Fisher, does agree with me that love & romance are far more complicated than it sounded at the beginning. *wink*

I’m off to take the questionnaire to see “what I am” — and I think I’ll make the husband do it to. Then I’ll have more to say.

13 Signs You’re In A Toxic Relationship

/ Alessia / 17 Comments


Thirteen Signs You’re In A Toxic Relationship

1 Most, if not all, of your family and friends do not like or trust your partner. This can be a tricky one to recognize for several reasons. Parents, especially, may not state their lack of trust directly because they know that in our state of love & infatuation we romanticize the “you and me against the world” mentality — they also know that this is something which the toxic partner will exploit, driving you faster away from them and into the toxic person’s grasp. Some relatives and friends may know something is ‘wrong’ but won’t know just how to prove it… But if you have people you trust warning you — even if they can offer little proof — you should continue to trust those closest to you and question this new relationship.

2 There are clearly two sets of rules, one for you & one for him, and both are set by him. Most of these things will be seen first in the form of jealousy. And in the beginning, such things will be written off as misunderstandings in the ‘getting to know you’ phase, and the drama can be seen as terribly romantic and passionate. He may even tell you that he reacts this way because of what some former girlfriend (that bitch!) did to him. Eventually, though, he will be so jealous that every last detail about how you look is a fine line between being attractive enough to please him and being a whore; he, on the other hand, may come and go as he pleases and affairs are just something you’ll have to forgive and forget, either because you were fighting at the time, or he was drunk, or he’s just a man who needs your help. You’ll become so anxious to understand his rules and avoid his reactions, that you don’t know what is worse, leaving the house alone or going out with him — so you settle for staying home and letting him go out alone because it’s less likely to upset him.

3 He will want to move in or get married quickly. He may say he’s never been so in love, or he may suggest it for economical reasons — after all, you spend all your time together — but what he wants is more access to you.

4 Once you are together, the toxic partner will disrespect and dismiss all things ‘you.’ All things you will be stupid, dumb, worthless, and on & on. He will belittle you, your body, your gender, your jokes, your hobbies, your family & friends. He will belittle you when alone, he will belittle you in front of his family, his friends, in public in front of strangers — but not so fiercely, or directly, in front of your family & associates because he is smart enough to if not charm them, then at least to remove any suggestion that he is anything other than a gem. That way, should you complain, you will not be believed. He will dismiss your upset over breaking or loss of your things. He will disrespect your privacy, right down to the most intimate bodily functions. He will ignore & dismiss your complaints with a wave of the hand — if you are lucky. (See #6, #8, #10)

5 Your partner monitors your spending, phone calls, mail, computer access, etc., and gives you time allotments for finishing errants and other tasks, especially those performed outside the home or out of his sight. My ex went to far as to call what few friends I did have along with all of his friends to find out where I was if I was not back from an errand within 20 minutes — round trip. I also had to account for all money spent to the nearest 25 cents.

6 You find yourself no longer participating in activities you once enjoyed. At first you don’t see that you’ve quietly acquiesced bits of your life; you just think you two are spending all your time together — how romantic. Ugh. I gave up browsing in bookstores & the library — those time limits vanished too quickly to really browse. I gave up classes & groups, such as pottery class and book clubs, because he thought that stuff was stupid. I also gave up shooting pool with friends — even when out with him — because other men might notice me.

7 Even though your finances are supposed to be shared, he will control the spending, the accounts, access to the money. He will play daddy with the money, holding your Barnes & Noble gift cards in his wallet for you, “Because you know how absent minded you are, dear.” (This way he not only scores the gift cards, but discredits you along the way.) He will use those gift cards when he wants to, without apology. I remember one Christmas he sent me out with my credit card (one I had in my name before we were married) to buy all the Christmas presents — and then he refused to pay one cent of that bill. I had to beg to earn the money from him to pay it off.

8 You find yourself isolated, alienated &/or cut-off from family and friends. If stopping all your usual activities and socializing habits hasn’t already alienated you from your family and friends, he will start misunderstandings and fights between you and your relatives and friends. When my friends called, my ex used to pretended to be talking to me while passing me the phone saying horrid things such as, “I’m not going to tell her you don’t want to talk to her,” or, “That Cathy you call ‘The Cow’ is on the phone for you,” etc. I didn’t know any of this until after the divorce, of course. Some of us never know why or how… We just find ourselves isolated, without a support system, in a world dominated & controlled by him.

9 You find yourself flinching, cringing or otherwise fearful even if your partner has never struck you. A part of you recognizes what’s to come, even if you don’t cognitively think it — or refuse to see it.

10 When he hurts &/or disappoints you, the conversation’s focus becomes all about him. Not just an angry lecture about what he wants and demands and how you have disappointed him (that usually is part of the abuse activities); but he becomes contrite, even cries, asking you to forgive and even to save him. It’s so ridiculous that it’s hard to believe, but it’s true. I remember once, holding my ex while he cried, soothing him telling him everything would be alright — this after he beat me with balled fists for the first time. He will make many promises to be good, to get counseling, to make it up to you — none of which will ever be carried out past a smile and some trinket. But by this time, you’ll be so relieved to have him happy — or at least not agitated and angry — that you’ll accept it just to keep the peace.

11 You find yourself changing shifts at work (if allowed to work outside the home), denying yourself regular sleep habits, to accommodate his schedule and wishes. If you have children, you will also find yourself, however unconsciously, trying to be a protective shield between them and the abuser. It is also another reason why you do not leave the house to attend activities with friends — because you do not want to leave the children home alone with him.

12 He threatens you, your children &/or your pets with violence. My ex used to threaten my then-grade-school-aged daughter that her cat would be dead by the time she came home from school; neither she nor I can remember why. Violent threats are not just statements the abuser is willing to make, he’s willing to carry them out too. When he does, you might not remember why either.

13 You, your children, &/or pets are hit, shoved, raped, or otherwise assaulted.

If you recognize any of these signs in your relationship, get out of the relationship. If you are living with a controller, abuser or toxic partner, seek assistance. Feel free to contact me and visit Women Against Domestic Violence. And if you are on a computer that he has access to, clear your broswer cache!

If you see these signs in a family member or friend’s relationship, take great care in what you do. Here’s a great tip sheet for you.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here! UPDATE: The original site appears to be down, so please check Thursday-13.com!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

13 Reasons To Hate Cosmo – In Just One Issue

/ Alessia / 10 Comments

Gawd I hate Cosmo. It’s like they simply cannot fathom that we see they’ve been running the same articles over & over again since Helen Gurley Brown became editor-in-chief in 1965, and began using the mag as an extension of 1962’s Sex and the Single Girl.

Don’t get me wrong, Sex & the Single Girl was wildly wonderful for the time (and holds up much better than you might think); but it was one book in 1962 and if we’re supposed to have come a long way, baby, then why the hell are we operating off a 1962 manual?

Plus, you can only recycle so much.

Even if you think, “There’s new chicks aging into woman’s mags every year,” you have to accept the fact that they know — or should frickin’ know — that old news is not only old news but hurtful and dangerously inaccurate.

Thirteen Examples Why I Hate Cosmo
(All from the February, 2009, issue.)

1 On page 50, In The Best Times To Impress Him, under “When his buddy gets dumped,” the advice reads as follows:

If your female friend suffers a breakup, you bring over Sex and the City DVDs and talk about how she “feels.” If your guy’s male friend gets the ax, however, he has only one job: to help the dude get laid. So give your man the green light to spend more time than usual acting as a wingman when out with the boys.

Ugh. So A), couples only have same-sex friends, they are B) stereotypes. (My friends and I — male and female — have a strict code that should any of us own &/or view Sex & the City, we are to drive them to the closest impatient care facility & destroy the DVDs.) And C) pimping is good for your relationship, so to hell with the scars on either “your guy’s male friend” or his sexual conquests.

2 Page 54, “How I got him to…” is an ode to man-ipulation. It starts with the “men are easily distracted like babies” — so change his cell phone ring to his favorite tune to keep him from answering it (hey, he’ll like listening to the small clip repeated so much that he’ll totally ignore a call from work, his mom… maybe even you). And then ends with stuff you already should know how to do, like if he says it’s natural to flirt with other women so you’re free to do the same, feel free to do it. (We know it may not make him get jealous and stop like “Chloe” wanted; but hell, neither of you are dead; so why the hell not flirt? Flirting is not picking-up or cheating.)

3 page 67: Beauty News. It’s not “ads” but the usual editorial serving as ads; and even worse, it’s stupid.

When you pull off your tights, a cloud of dust pops up. Cold temps plus indoor heat zap moisture. Switch to a hydrating body wash, like Caress Glowing Touch, $3.50.

4 Page 74: Beauty Q & A:

Q: When I wear heavy fabrics, I sweat a lot. What can I do to prevent it?

A: “Layer a cotton tee under a sweater — the natural fibers absorb moisture,” says NYC derm Doris Day. Also try a stronger sweat blocker, like Secret Clinical Strength Anti-Perspirant, $7.99.

‘Cuz A) believing the “derm” wouldn’t sell Secret ad space and B) asking why she wears sweaters in the first place is out of the question… Because “Q” is a made-up question from struggling editors.

5 Fun Fearless Males 2009, page 83. Heavens, if they are so fun & fearless — and celebrities — why don’t I already know about them? And why would I care? It’s not like I’m so deluded to think that my discovery of them (should I even agree with their sales pitch selections) makes me frickin’ eligible to date them.

6 Page 98: What Sex Feels Like for Him. Yeah, we can count on Cosmo to tell us how our man feels about us & with us; so there’s no need, should we A) actually be curious or B) not already have him telling us what he wants and why, to actually ask our real, not pseudo-Cosmo-guy, ourselves.

7 Page 103 starts 50 Guy Phrases Translated, in which Cosmo rapes other written works, distilling them to hysterical uselessness. Cracking the male “cryptic code” includes translating, “Can we talk about this later,” to, “I never want to talk about this again.”

Gee, really?

I suppose next you’ll tell me that when he says “We should go out sometime,” that he’s just afraid to really ask me out… And “You look hot” means he wants to have sex. Oh wait, that’s #2 & # 29.

8 We are not to be “alarmed” by our “freaky sex dreams, we are soothed (starting on page106).” Sex with the ex, girl-on-girl action, and dreams of sex without condom use aren’t what we fear think they are — nope, they aren’t even hot dreams we should just enjoy.

Cosmo, you’re worse than a wet blanket; at least then I’d have a wet spot & be damn happy for it.

9 In Love & Lust (apparently a regular feature) the Cosmo skinny is that playing hard to get (but not too hard to get) is phat. Yes, it’s 2009 and we believe women don’t know that the thrill of the chase is thrilling to both chaser and chasee. I mean, come on; this is the stuff we all miss when we ‘settle down’ and, if we take each other for granted, end up in divorce court for.

But thanks, Cosmo, for telling the women of today who paid $4.50 for your rag that “texting him your location at all times” is “not hard enough”, that waiting to reply to his text a day later with “Who r u?” is “too hard” but that “sending short texts and resisting the urge to engage in volleys” is “just hard enough.”

10 On page 112, more of Love & Lust, has the classic, “he lost his class ring in my pussy” story. If you don’t know it, ask your dad to tell you a sex joke.

And then work on your freakin’ Kegles for gawd’s sake.

11 Page 192, in Cosmo Weekend Living, we are advised not to make our rooms too girlie &/or paint our rooms pink because “guys don’t feel comfortable in estrogen-heavy rooms.”

Yeah, unless our estrogen-heavy bods are naked; then, like they notice — let alone care.

12 Page 52: Cosmo for your guy — “show this to your man!” Two problems here: A) the whole mag is an ode pandering to negative male stereotypes, so if you’re going to encourage him, why stop at one page? and B) if your guy needs help to know that whispering “Remember that time on the kitchen floor?” is sexier than whispering “I’m so drunk!” to you, I doubt reading it in print in Cosmo will be of any help — to either of you.

(And then he might just flip through it and start thinking about your pink duvet and why you programmed the ringtone on his phone.)

13 Oh, are we at thirteen already? But there’s so much more… OK, I’ll give you just one more & then I’ll stop. For now. The perfumed ads reek. As if I didn’t have a headache already.

PS I didn’t buy this copy of Cosmo; I liberated it my sister-in-law from it. And yes, she heard all of this as an oral presentation as I took it.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here! UPDATE: The original site appears to be down, so please check Thursday-13.com!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Drew Barrymore & I Agree

/ Alessia / 3 Comments

I normally don’t give a fig what celebrities have to say about dating — not only do they not live in the real world, but they are generally poor examples of what good relationships are. But when I read what Drew Barrymore reportedly said , I jumped for glee:

DREW BARRYMORE hates surfing the Internet for love – because it has taken all the romance out of dating.

The Charlie’s Angels star – who recently split up with the face of computer brand MAC Justin Long – confesses that even text messaging freaks her out – insisting she prefers the old fashioned ways of finding a man.

She says, “When I first started dating, it was like the Pony Express. We had to be frickin’ patient. And now everything is instantaneous. It’s too much! Where is old-fashioned romance and a little bit of mystery?”

I believe this is precisely why so many celebrity marriages & relationships fail — they are used to & demand instant gratification. Relationships may involve instant attraction, but the gratification comes over time. This is something which most celebrities seem to fear — perhaps because they fear time and it’s “ravages” rather than revere it.

While we regular folk may not be able to demand — or, more accurately, have our demands so regularly met — we seem to fall for the fallacy of instant gratification. Perhaps it’s because so many of us wish to emulate celebrities, too often for the wrong reasons. But in any case, many wish for instant gratification.

For example, Michelle at Dating Dames (where I discovered the Drew Barrymore news) defends her own quest for relationship instant gratification:

She had me until she complained about instantaneous. I’m not patient. …I’m all for mystery and old-fashioned romance, but I want it quick, baby. Like this, yes thank you for holding the door for me, now I’ll race you to the car. Lets go!

But relationships are the opposite of such a concept. I can’t help from making a reference to Drew’s movie, The Wedding Singer, and the song Grow Old With You:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CYI5bKZMes[/youtube]

Let’s Date Like My Sister Eileen?

/ Alessia / Leave a comment

I made issue #14 of the Feminist Carnival of Sexual Freedom and Autonomy (yea me!), which reminds me that I should give you an update on that media and relationships survey I’m participating in…

The survey is based on your TV and movie viewing habits of the past week, which means you’re reporting on your holiday season habits. Personally, my sitting-on-my-butt and watching television &/or films time has been very limited by holiday stuff — but also because TV programing has sucked the past month. This means I’ve watched mainly The History Channel and NatGeo (which, unless you categorize this watching as “news” puts your viewing in the “other” category on this survey) and it has had, upon reflection, little to do with my relationship values — other than to find great pleasure in the fact that my partner also likes geek TV.

I’ve also snuck in the occasional TCM (and other old film) viewing. This has been secretive alone-at-night-while-working movie watching — but not because it’s some naughty or guilty pleasure to watch a “chick flick”. Writing, being a solitary pursuit most enjoyed by night owls, lends itself to complete remote control domination when one is well, you know, screwing around and not working. However, my point is, that the movies I’ve watched (including The Pleasure Seekers, My Sister Eileen, and Sabrina) were retro films, if not all Classic Films with capital C & F, and as such it’s damn near impossible for a feminist to watch those films and not giggle, smirk, or groan at the sexist roles and actions. They are entertainment (served with an equally entertaining side dish of snark that I am unable to turn off) not some map for relationship bliss.

If they were, then I guess my first tip in getting a date would be to go out drinking with your sister & two fellas, walk drunkenly to a gazebo, and have the four of you burst into song, dance, and imaginary instrument playing a la My Sister Eileen. But then, you’ll also end up with some other guy… Which involves some lying, lots more song and dance, the Brazilian Navy, and lots more…

My point is, if I (and any other intelligent sentient being) can realize that musicals are fantasies, why would anyone expect to find tips on relationships & romance in such films?

Oh, and I also watched Elf; and that didn’t make me think that I might have missed an opportunity to mate a real elf and get myself closer to Santa’s Nice List.

So, over all, my feelings regarding media and relationships have neither changed nor become more enlightened by this survey process. While there’s still weeks to go (and I am interested in what may come from the experience), I’m still amazed that there are people out there — that I’m sharing this same world with — who honest to gawd, still base their real world relationship expectations upon images in film and television.

May gawd help us all.

Of Cars, Cavemen & Cooking

/ Alessia / 1 Comment

I was driving this weekend and on the car radio (in some town I was driving through so I can’t remember the town or the station) a DJ was announcing the “news” that women are more attracted to men who cook over the presumed status symbol of the car he drove. (I’m assuming he got the idea here.)

The male DJ was freaking out at the idea, asking for female callers to confirm or deny such a thing.  As woman after woman called in confirming the “news”, he was becoming more incredulous.  “This goes against everything we men knew,” he said (though I am paraphrasing a bit from memory), “We guys go and get the job to get the car because that impresses women.”

Uh, what century is he living in?  We women have been able to have careers & buy our own cars for quite some time now — and while we may not be paid dollar for dollar for the same work, we certainly aren’t going to go all batty-eyelashes & giggly-hair-flips over a man with an automobile.

Since we are working, we obviously prefer a man who can & does cook.  We don’t want to be made to feel that we are responsible for a man literally dying from hunger while we work our medical internships, stay late at the office to get the promotion, or meet the girls at the martini bar for happy hour.  And isn’t it nice to have a man make the meal, serve the meal to us, and clean up afterwards!  We all like to be catered to, no matter our gender, orientation, marital status, height, hair color, or make of our automobile.

While the men embracing this new ‘trend’ in self sufficiency are now called gastrosexuals, apparently there are men, like that DJ, who are shocked if not appalled at such outrageous gender role changes. I could call them all cavemen — and in search of gold diggers no less! — and leave it at that, but we do have to face some facts here.

Along with personally maintaining culture lag, these folks are genuinely puzzled.  While their knuckles figuratively drag on the ground, these men stand slack-jawed & wondering — just how are they supposed to be a man and compete for a mate?

The times, they are a-changin’ and they just don’t see where they fit in.

I’d say you shouldn’t worry about them; but quite often these men move from perplexed to frustrated, doggedly refusing to change their beliefs and ways.  I’ve personally see quite a number of them become angry & abusive asshats.  To those of you who face such throwbacks, I say throw him back and keep on fishing.  If he’s not going to change, he’s going to expect you (or try to make you) change to fit his world view, and that’s just no good.

Even if he’s not an abusive asshat, you’re going to end up “taking care of him” because “you’re the woman, that’s why” — and if you at all wish he would become a fully-functioning human being able to care for himself on a daily basis, you’ll end up resenting your role as care-taking-mommy to him.

As an example, I offer up one of the female callers to that radio show who said that she didn’t care about cars. She not only preferred a man who could cook, but one that could do laundry too; she herself had been cooking and doing her boyfriend’s laundry for five years and she “hated it”.  Now I don’t know this woman or her man; but she was resentful enough to call into a radio show and complain — but there she was, doing the cooking and laundry (and who knows what else?) for this guy for five years!

She can’t blame him; she has to blame herself for staying there and doing it.

I hope she’s also got a good job.  That way, one day, she can come home good and exhausted, be faced with making his meal and washing his undies, and just snap — get into her car and drive away.

Of course, the flip side of all of this was the one female caller who said that she just wanted a man who had a car; she was tired of the guy who couldn’t afford the bus pass — and the way she said it, she was talking about those shiftless male gold diggers.  They not only don’t have a car; they refuse to work.  And they expect you to provide all the food — buy the clothes and launder them too.  Get in your car and drive far away from them, because they’ll drive you crazy and drain your accounts.

Ted’s Invited To A Threesome… How Will He RSVP?

/ Alessia / 4 Comments

A conversation with Ted, an old college friend of mine, over wine this past holiday weekend:

Ted: So she asks me if I’d be interested in a threesome.

Me: And you?

Ted: Well, when I thought it was us and a girl, sure — but a guy?

Me: Homophobe.

Ted: No, I’m not; I don’t care what two guys do as long as I’m not one of them.

Me: The fact that you’d do with a girl but not a guy is the very definition of homophobia.

Ted: No. I just don’t get it — why would she want that?

Me: Why would you do it with two girls?

Ted: Duh. It’s a classic male fantasy.

Me: So there’s your answer.

Ted: Seriously, does it mean she’s unhappy with our sex life — with me?

Me: Is that why you fantasize about two chicks?

Ted: No!

Me: Well, then why do you assume her answer is any different?

Ted: ‘Cuz girls don’t fantasize like that.  …Do they?

Me: I can’t speak for all women, but why not? Why can’t women have that fantasy?

Ted: Well, if she’s wanting two… I can’t provide that. So she must be disappointed. At some level. Right?

Me: Just like you’re disappointed with only two breasts and just one hoo-ha.

Ted: I’m not disappointed with ‘normal’ – just open to more. I’m an open person.

Me: Uh. Yeah. That’s what you are. Homophobe.

Ted: Stop that.

Me: You stop it.

Ted: From the sound of things, I’d have little to do with the guy… It’s pretty much all about her.  And that’s my point — if she’s so interested in having another guy, where does that leave things between us?

Me: Did you try asking her?

Ted: Sortta.

Me: Sortta?

Ted: I asked her how long she’s been thinking about it…

Me: Well, that’s not quite the same thing as asking her ‘why.’

Ted: I figured I’d find out if the idea predates our dating.

Me: And?

Ted: And it’s recent.  Which proves something’s wrong. Or missing… Disappointing her somehow…

Me: I can’t speak for Missy. Or your sex skills.

Ted: I thought she was happy.

Me: She likely is. Why else would she trust you to come to you with a fantasy?

Ted: A fantasy to make up for some inadequacy on my part.

Me: Oh. My. Gawd. You seriously think that she wants a threesome with you two and some other dude because you’re sexually inadequate — but you believe you’re normal for wanting her and another chick “just cuz”.  That’s sad, man. Very sad.

Ted: That’s not what I said; you’re mixing things all up.

Me: Am I really now.  OK, so you boil it down to a sentence or two.

Ted: Men wanting two women is normal; women wanting two men isn’t. You chicks are all monogamous & shit.

Me: So now you think something’s wrong with her…

Ted: Well, maybe not “wrong” but she’s looking for something more than I can give.

Me: No. She’s asked you to give her the fantasy; you can give her want she wants.  You just won’t deliver it.

Ted remains silent.

Me: Would she give you your fantasy — if you asked for it?

Ted: She said she’d give the two-girl scenario a go, as a trade for her threesome idea. She said we could do mine first if it made me more comfortable.

Me: Well, there you have it.

Ted: Have what?

Me: The fact that you’re a putz.  Sounds like she’s offering something pretty special — for the both of you — and you’re busy looking the gift horse in the mouth.  I mean if either of you were opposed to threesomes period, then end of conversation; but she’s willing to give you what you want if you give her what she wants.  Why are you sitting here talking to me when you could be screening partners?

Ted: Because if I’m so sexually disappointing to her, why would I let another guy see that?

Me: Or disappoint the other girl.

Ted: Well, that’s not likely!

Me: So which is it: Are you sexually disappointing or aren’t you?

Ted: I’m fine — I’m damn fine!

Me: Well, then why are we talking about all of this.

Ted: You’re no help at all.

Me: The kind of help you need, Ted, you are refusing.  All you really want me to say is what you want to hear — that of course she’s disappointed, that she’s a bitch and that you should end it with her.  That way you can avoid having to deal with your feelings of inadequacy, your intimacy issues — which clearly extend beyond Missy, by the way, and continue to be a selfish bastard with a sex fantasy of two women. A fantasy, which, by the way, will live on only in your head because you’re too afraid to actually do anything about it.  Unless you pay for such services anyway–

Ted: Hey!  I don’t need to pay for sex!

Me: You’ve got that partly right.  You probably wouldn’t pay for sex — but you’d need to if you’re ever to get your fantasy, because, Ted, you are one screwed-up man.

Ted: You really think that’s what I’m doing here?

Me: It’s a classic scapegoat move; one you’ve used before.

Ted: So she could just really have a fantasy…

Me: That’s what I’ve been saying. But you really should ask her.

Ted: Yeah, maybe I’ll do that.

A pause while we both sip our wine.

Ted (laughing and with a twinkle in his eye): So would you, ah, join us? Missy & I, that is?

Me: Ah, no. Thanks, but I make it a point never to screw guys as messed up as you.

The Grass Is Always Greener When There’s No Snow

/ Alessia / 1 Comment

A friend of mine, Marta, was complaining that it was more difficult to “meet people” during the holidays — and by “meet people” she specifically stated that she meant, “to have the possibility of a relationship, not drunken groping at an office party or with some friend of your sister’s from college who is also the only single person at her holiday party.”

Marta has a point — but it’s likely not the one she was thinking of.

I agree drunken groping is like the relationship fruitcake of the holiday season; people take it because it’s what they get. (My advice is don’t take it — and certainly don’t re-gift it either!) But Marta, like most single people, wanted her point to be her complaint: that the the holidays are for those who are already in pairs ready to board Noah’s ark.

Not only do I detest whining, I have to say that’s bullshit.

When you are single, lonely and not-lovin’ it, the world seems full of couples. It doesn’t matter what season it is. Here’s a reminder of a lovely spring (or perhaps summer) afternoon at the park:

Couples, couples everywhere.

Not only have you whiny pessimistic folks forgotten that, but you even complain about those bickering &/or unhappy couples — like those on the bench. “At least they have someone to argue with,” you mope. But honestly, now, is that what you want?

So stop looking at (imagining) greener pastures on the other side of the fence; stop looking at the glass as half empty — or even half full. And start planting your own seeds for lush greenery, fill your glass all the way up, if that’s what you want. Create the world you want — it’s much more inviting to others than complaining.

Photo by alev.adil.

Pulling Relationship Weight

/ Alessia / Leave a comment

Leigh Peele, a published author and expert on weight loss, has an intriguing article at the Examiner on the courtship of obesity:

The process of mate selection for human beings is different from culture to culture and has evolved with the ages. Long ago the majority choose a mate purely on the ground of livelihood. If your mate could feed you or have children that was good enough. That isn’t to say there wasn’t always a rebel or two that caused a uproar in the normal flow of things. However, the majority of the time people chose mostly out of safety, and at best for love.

Flash forward to a time of internet dating, mail order brides, maxim magazine, and Flavor of Love. I think you will find that things are a little different. Self independence and prosperity is possible for both sexes. The ability to have children isn’t dependent on a penis and a vagina. Lastly, food is everywhere in advanced societies so the need to find a mate based solely on those past needs are getting cut more and more everyday. If those aren’t leading the ranks of why we pick a mate, what is?

I’ve written, elsewhere, on the subject of the biology of appearance in attraction, and while Peele clearly has a belief system (if not an agenda), she raises some good points:

How you look, the health you convey, and the body you have is now a extreme contributing factor. Studies and survey’s around the world are showing time and time again that the weight and appearance of a person plays a very large role in if they are found to be dating material or not. The question is, why?

If you say because “fat people are ugly” you would be wrong. Studies show that it isn’t the physical attraction to the person that is the issue, it is the underlying factors instead. For example, one study shows that on average medical costs are 36% higher for obese adults than their non-obese partners. Other studies also show that those who are largely overweight make a smaller percentage of pay vs those who have a healthier BMI. Obesity is also highly prevalent in low educated households, and the children of obese parents have a higher likely hood to drop out of high school.

When we combine all that above this means that through one scan of the eyes the average person when on approach for dating material can see someone who is obese as unhealthy, uneducated, and not financially secure. Obviously this is not true in all cases, but now if you find yourself in this position, not only do you have to worry about your own insecurities of being physically under par to yourself, you have to worry about your whole level of worth being judged from education to finance. Because of this overwhelming pressure, studies show that the mate you choose is going to be constantly less than your instinctual set standards because you feel that this is the best you can do. The cycle then starts of the problems in the relationship.

Peele then goes on to describe what she believes occurs in relationships where one person is ‘thin’ and the other ‘obese’:

Constantly those who are overweight will put “being fat” on the high list of problems in a relationship before they will put “living in self doubt.” Mixed couples fight more about cheating, have more short term separations, and will settle more in abusive relationships on average than couples who share in the same activities and physical physique. It is a lot more likely that one of you is nice and the other is a jerk.

…It isn’t about BMI, that is just a side effect. That is merely the scapegoat for the problem. The problem is self worth and self esteem. Usually those who were married pre-obesity have less problems than those who go into the courtship already overweight. With marriage there is a level of knowing what can be there again if desire or a deep understanding of the person in when they felt their best. Since the person saw the “real” you at a point, even if you are insecure now, there is still enough of you there in them that you are able to maintain a high level of happiness and trust.

I’ll admit, I’ve never quite looked at weight issues from this perspective. I’ve been ‘fat’ and I’ve been ‘thin,’ and while I’ve certainly noticed the times when my fat self was unattractive — not for the physical reasons but the insecurities & bad attitudes — I’ve never quite put things together as neatly as Peele has.

Not that being thinner delivers a magical life, but there is something I can attest to as far as attitude & acceptance. Speaking in generalities, if & when I happily accept ‘me’, I have better partners and better relationships; but when I am miserable, I make dumber decisions & accept far less than I really deserve.  Not to mention, I’m just a bitch (or killjoy) to be around.

There’s also been a difference between my relationships (with myself and with others), depending upon how I ‘took the weight off’.

The times I forced myself to diet — like an aggressive prison warden — I may have lost weight, but I felt the punitive actions, the self-loathing, and not only was miserable in the process and with others, but the weight came back quickly. However, once I rid myself of my emotional baggage, I naturally seemed to slim-down — as if that baggage was literally the saddlebags on my hips and thighs.

So while I’m not sure I agree that relationships between the skinny dating the fat are doomed to inequity, I do see (and often talk about) the great difficulties in relationships between those who are happily accepting of themselves and those who are riddled with insecurities and self-loathing. If your weight is an indication of the latter, the issues are certainly worth exploring for yourself.

Jeebuz, It’s Almost 2009 & We Women Have To Fake Our Virginity

/ Alessia / Leave a comment

You don’t want to own this — or even to know about this, but…

If you’re into The Big Lie — no, not faking orgasms, that you’re a Virgin — how about an Artificial Virginity Hymen that leaks fake blood and is supposed to make him feel like the was The First.  ‘Cuz, you know, sex is all about him.

No more worry about losing your virginity. With this product, you can have your first night back anytime. Insert this artificial hymen into your vagina carefully. It will expand a little and make you feel tight. When your lover penetrate, it will ooze out a liquid that look like blood not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groans, you will pass through undetectable. Its easy to use, clinically proven non-toxic to human and has no side effects, no pain to use and no allergic reaction.

Artificial Virginity Hymen is created from Kyoto, Tapan at 1993. it was first introduced to the locals, then it gets famous and spread to Thailand at 1995 and now avaliable in South East Asia, South Asia and in the Middle East countries.

It is mainly made of natural albumin, medical use inflation element and water-soluble base medicinal preparation which have no side effect.

Insert this artificial hymen into your vagina carefully. It will expand a little and make you feel tight. When your lover penetrate, it will ooze out a liquid that look like blood not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groan, you will pass through undetectable.

Remember, when you “add in a few moans and groans” that you’re supposed to be faking the loss of your virginity, not pleasure. Don’t screw that up or he might think you like sex. Then he’ll think you’re a slut anyway and all will be for naught. So don’t move your hips or anything else for that matter… Just lie there and think about what the nonsensical gross liquid is doing to the sheets.

The Artificial Virginity Hymen only costs $14.90 — and the price of your soul.

In “Internet Or Sex” Study People Miss The Point

/ Alessia / Leave a comment

Everyone is freaking out over that survey sponsored by Intel Corporation (& conducted by Harris Interactive) which said that “46 percent of women and 30 percent of men would rather go two weeks without sex than without Internet access.”

Other men wail & cry: “Men have always faced challenges when it comes to romance” says Don Clark at his Wall Street Journal blog. “Here’s a sign that technology may have raised another hurdle.”

Oh boo-frickin-hoo. Men have it soooo bad.

Not.

Judy Berman, at Salon’s Broadsheet blog, was a bit more accurate:

Listen: This has nothing to do with women’s low libidos, lack of interest in sex or prurient fascination with the World Wide Web. It isn’t even about preferring online life to in-the-flesh human contact. It is about how essential the Internet has become to the daily lives of Americans. Nothing I’ve read has mentioned whether the two weeks in question would include work-related Internet use, but if it did, anyone whose career requires a computer or BlackBerry would be likely to lose her job by choosing sex over e-mail. And even if the study did include a workplace exemption, think about how essential the Internet is to the personal lives of most Americans.

But few seem to see the facts for what they are.

The average American only has sex a few times a week.  Depending upon ‘who you are’, it could be as little as once or twice a week.  So you’re giving up 2-4 fucks versus everything we do on the internet? No contest.  Big deal; it’s a week or two.  Everyone’s had those kind of dry spells. Virtually every woman takes a week off now and then when she’s on the rag — if not ‘during’ then the PMS phase.  (If not by choice then by her limited appeal to a partner.)

As for the 16% difference between male and female responses in the Intel/Harrison study, there are several factors to consider:

Did any of the respondents consider masturbation sex?  With the Internet offering such a plethora of porn, the definition of ‘no sex’ in terms of does it include masturbation is very important.  If left to individual interpretation, who the hell knows what these people were actually choosing.

Were both men and women in the same categories (age group, marital status, etc.) — for as the Kinsey FAQ shows, there are differences in the frequency of sex.  If those who participated in the study were not having the same amount of sex, then obviously their answers would be different — apples to bushels of apples, so to speak.

Along with the quantity issue, what about the quality of their sex?  Who has trouble giving up mediocre or even bad sex?  For that matter, how many people are unhappy with their relationships in general? If those in the study were not in the same boat, the results compare apples to oranges — or apples to steak, even.

And if you had, say, a lot of single women, wouldn’t they choose the Internet and the possibility of finding someone over their perhaps non-existent sex lives?  That would easily throw the percentages by itself.

So I’m neither surprised to ‘discover’ how important the Internet is in our collective societal lives (I use it every damn day) nor, with this many study unknowns, how many of us would choose it over sex.

Museum of Broken Relationships

/ Alessia / Leave a comment

Did you know there was a Museum of Broken Relationships? Me neither.

The museum, founded in Croatia, was an art concept by Olinka Vištica and Drazen Grubišić who decided to set up the museum dedicated to broken hearts after consoling friends over their failed romances.

The Museum of Broken Relationships is an art concept which proceeds from the assumption that objects possess integrated fields – holograms of memories and emotions – and intends with its layout to create a space of secure memory or protected remembrance in order to preserve the material and nonmaterial heritage of broken relationships.

Unlike the destructive self-help instructions for recovery from failed loves, the Museum offers every individual the chance to overcome the emotional collapse through creation, i.e., by contributing to the holdings of the Museum. The individual gets rid of controversial objects , triggers of momentarily undesirable emotions, by turning them into museum exhibits, i.e., artefacts and thereby participating in the creation of a preserved collective emotional history.

One of the most interesting & unusual object in the museum is this prosthetic limb:

In a Zagreb hospital I met a beautiful, young and ambitious social worker from the Ministry of Defense. When she helped me to get certain materials, which I, as a war invalid, needed for my under-knee prosthesis, the love was born. The prosthesis endured longer than our love. It was made of better material!

Shut-Up Cosmo: Date Rape Is Not The Victim’s Fault

/ Alessia / 2 Comments

In the latest issue of Bitch magazine (Fall ’08, Issue #41), a scathing article by Jennifer McDaniel, “Don’t Take Advice From Cosmopolitan, Part 877″, blasts Cosmo’s recent (June 2088) article — and related sidebars — on date rape.

The article, featured on the cover with the line “5 Signs a Guy Is Capable of Rape”, is called “How a Date Rapist Works”; the related sidebar pieces are “Reading a Rapist’s Body Language” and “Personality Traits That Make You Vulnerable”.

On the surface you might think this helpful advice — but only if you believe the imperative premise that women are the ones responsible for men’s behavior. As McDaniel writes:

The article, like its gray-rape predecessor, ends up being both insulting to women and victim-blaming to boot. If a rapist could be identified with such easy-to-spot criteria, what woman wouldn’t readily discern a potential assailant and haul ass out of that bar? Rape victims are traumatized enough without being made to feel that their rapists were giving off clear signals that they were too stupid or oblivious to read.

(For the record, the “grey rape” article referred to was published in Cosmo back in September, 2007; you can find that pile of steaming crap here.)

It’s dreck like this that has had me avoiding Cosmopolitan magazine for a long time now. I hope you’ll avoid it too because the only help you’ll find in those slick pages are how to perpetuate the abdication of male accountability.

Does anyone really need that?

While I want women to be safe (and I hope Cosmo does too), it’s absurd, irresponsible, and down-right hurtful to put the blame for male violence on female victims.

As McDaniel said, “It’s not so surprising that Cosmo still seems to think so little of men that it refuses to hold them accountable for their behavior, but couldn’t they try to expect more from women?”

Instead, grab a copy of Bitch — better yet, subscribe. Because Bitch does expect more from both men and women.