Tag: Thursday Thirteen

13 Things Not To Say On The First Date

/ Alessia / 4 Comments

thursday-13

Funny and wise tips found on Twitter:

marceldavis #nottosayonfirstdate I love you

RyanDenyse #nottosayonfirstdate my ex cheated on me and gave me a STD

SecretSiren I’m sorry if I seem nervous. I don’t usually date outside the family #nottosayonfirstdate

rauldg DAMN YOUR MOM IS HOT #nottosayonfirstdate

Koolmojay #nottosayonfirstdate “Can i borrow $20?”

Thisrespekwear #nottosayonfirstdate my curfew is at 10pm

tejas74 How much do you weigh. And im not asking becuase you look fat its jthe sex swing in the bedroom is only rated to 160lbs #NotToSayOnFirstDate

PurestEmotion #nottosayonfirstdate I have commitment issues.

InkPanther Can you believe minorities and women get to VOTE??? Crazy right? #NotToSayOnFirstDate

vickypinheiro #nottosayonfirstdate do you wanna go see New Moon ?

unclesean I love this restaurant. My dates seem to cry a lot here but the restaurant itself is great.

iheartyou_ #nottosayonfirstdate i’m just waiting on my test results for my chlamydia test.

SpongeBreezy #nottosayonfirstdate you know if you order lobster or steak or anythin over $10 I automatically get to f*** u for 3 months right?

PS You can hook-up with me on Twitter: @UnderarmStick.

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13 Dating & Relationship Tips You (Should Have) Learned From Your Friendships In Junior High

/ Alessia / 6 Comments

thursday-13

“Don’t take your partner/spouse for granted.” We hear that all the time, but what does that really mean? It means treating your lover — and other family members too — with the same respect and kindness you show your friends. (And don’t forget to demand the same in return!)

If you aren’t sure what this means, ladies, remember back to those unspoken rules you (painfully) learned in junior high. Here are 13 reminders of them (in the order they popped into my head.)

#1 Gossip and assumptions are dangerous things, often motivated by people around you who have an angle; be as suspicious of the one who brings you “news” about your romantic partner as you are of your romantic partner.

#2 While first impressions may matter, it’s more about the person than their looks. Haven’t we all a BFF, now or back in the day, who was unable to afford the latest fashion trends, had bad taste in clothes (didn’t know how to dress to impress — or didn’t care to!), had horrible skin, or some other sin or appearance but is/was the very definition of a best friend? Don’t knock a potential partner because he or she wouldn’t appear in a slick glossy magazine — you might miss the romantic best friend you’ll really have forever.

#3 Sucking up to the cool kids never works; or at least it’s a brutal thing to do to yourself. Be friendly, make yourself accessible; but glomming on or inserting yourself where you are not welcome only makes you the butt of jokes while demoralizing yourself.

#4 Make the effort to stay connected. You probably don’t need to take the call-them-everyday-after-school approach when you first meet them (that goes for texting etc. too), but you do need to put effort into the relationship. It’s not just that you call them during a crazy work week to let them know that you are alive; your call says you care to know that they are still alive.

#5 Show an interest in them. No one liked that girl who made everything all about her all the time; no one will like her now. Dates are opportunities for each to learn about the other. Don’t monopolize; take advantage of the time to learn about this new person in equal measure to allowing them to discover you. When you live together, make an effort to focus on your partner that is equal to your expectation to be paid attention to.

#6 Trust is earned, not blindly given. Actions, then as now, speak louder than words. Dating is also about spending enough time together to build trust. (And when you are in a committed relationship, your actions still speak louder than words.) Value the sacred trust of secrets and shared intimacies — and demand the same. Start with small confessions and as they are held sacred, slowly increase what you divulge. (The same is true for physical issues of proximities and intimacies — yup, that means sex! This preferably after trust has been earned in other ways.)

#7 Forgive and forget is an expression stated as a sentence, but in reality it’s multiple choice question; sometimes you can & should do both, sometimes you will choose one, and sometimes grievances are too large for either. Effort on the part of both parties is required and time will be both the test and the tell.

#8 Time heals all wounds. On Friday you were writing in your journal about Jane’s crimes, using words your parents didn’t know you knew; on Saturday you were begging to sleepover at her house. Emotions of the moment are best vented, explored, and examined overtime with a zeal equal to the intensity of your feelings. Whether it’s the multiple choice question of forgive and forget, or a matter of swallowing your own pride when you’ve been called upon to face something about yourself, time is required to digest this bitter meal. (Even when you must simply walk away from the relationship, time will heal that wound; the sooner you start, the better.)

#9 When invited somewhere, reciprocate in a timely manner. You know what happened to those girls who only went to your parties, but never invited you to theirs; to those who came to all the birthday parties, but never brought a gift; to those who waited months after sleeping over at your house to have you sleepover at their house — they got axed from the invite lists. Not only should you be mindful not to be only date taker, but remember to be a date maker too. This means suggesting plans as well as being prepared to pay for them.

#10 Be as generous as you can. Like with party invites, it’s just good manners to reciprocate gifts shared — and in a timely manner. I’m not saying that when you are given a birthday gift that you must give them a gift in return, but don’t be a taker. You may not have the means to match a person dollar for dollar, but give something. And do not think of gifts as only those objects which come wrapped in pretty packages either; gifts are also kindnesses, understandings, secrets, and intimacies shared.

#11 Share and share alike only works just so far. Remember how you didn’t want Trish to wear your favorite top — how she called you stingy & jealous too? Well, there are always things that remain solely yours, no matter how close you are to someone else. There’s no reason to give up or share every single thing — including your personal dreams, career, identity — just because you want a close relationship. If they act like Trish, remind them this is normal, healthy, and to get over themselves.

#12 Being supportive doesn’t mean you force the unwilling to talk — or have to provide the solution. There are many ways you cheered-up a friend with problems — even serious problems. Sometimes you listened; sometimes you just sat with them. Other times, you arranged distractions — cracked jokes to get them to smile, invited them over, took them to the mall, or otherwise offered ways to get them temporarily “out” of whatever was trapping them. There are a million little ways to let a person know you care and are there, ready & willing, for them to share. (Similarly, if you aren’t a big talker or sharing isn’t easy for you, be sure to respond somehow!)

#13 Have fun. What’s the point of being with someone who only brings you down? It’s one thing to ride out a tough time, be supportive through a bad circumstance; it’s another to devote yourself and your life to one who makes you miserable.

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History Is Ephemeral Carnival, 6th Edition (A Thursday Thirteen Edition)

/ Deanna / 9 Comments

Welcome to edition number six of the History Is Ephemeral Carnival, where ephemera lovers share the history behind their obsessions.

(If you’ve got posts about old paper and other ephemera, please submit them for next month’s carnival via the carnival’s submission form!)

Because there are 13 links in this edition, this post is also a Thursday Thirteen!

#1 History Cellar shares a Boston Restaurant Dinner Menu from the 1860’s over at The History Cellar. Can you afford the Potted Pigeon?

#2 Derek talks Irish Republic Bonds (from the 1860s – 1880s) at Collectors’ Quest. Do you know what they have to do with one of the earliest attempts to build combat submarines and plans to take over Canada and hold it for ransom?

#3 Yours truly has one of her antique postcards displayed in a museum; the story is posted here at Kitsch Slapped. (It’s so thrilling!)

#4 Jianfeng presents images which remind him of his grandfather in China’s Civil War in The Big Retreat in 1949 and My Grandfather posted at Jianfeng’s Blog. I think it shows how the details of individual stories somehow make things universal.

#5 Collin talks about The Brush Project at Collectors’ Quest. I never thought about it before, but artist brushes certainly are ephemeral.

#6 Yours truly interviews Troy Pedersen, owner of a real world vintage magazine store — in my neighborhood! Aren’t you jealous!

#7 Cliff, with the help of John Gingles of JG Collectibles, gives us A Peek at a Rare Harry Houdini Signed Photograph at Vintage Meld. Included is a tip on how to preserve and display such unique items.

#8 Frank reflects on This is Ephemera: Collecting Printed Throwaways, by Maurice Rickard at his blog, Antiquarian Holographica. Find out why Frank recommends the book and appreciates it for what others might call its short-comings.

#9 Val Ubell dishes about Silent Star Lucille Ricksen from an article in a 1925 issue of Jim Jam Jems over at Collectors’ Quest. I collect Jim Jam Jems myself, but don’t yet have that issue — so now I’m even more hot on the issue’s trail.

#10 Yours truly will be a presenter at the first Bookmark Collectors Virtual Convention. More details to follow at the official convention’s website; subscribe for updates!

#11 History Cellar shows us the Record of football deaths and injuries in 1900 at The History Cellar. Are things better or worse in the sport now?

#12 Yours truly finds out that her laminated in-flight instruction card for TWA’s Convair 880 jet holds a place in aviation disaster history, at Collectors’ Quest. Maybe you have items to help with the memorial?

#13 And if you’re not too sick of me &/or ephemera already, I’ve been interviewed on The Ephemera Show! Check out the podcast here.

While you’re here, let me also remind you that today’s the final day to submit for this month’s New Vintage Reviews Carnival — and, I’m hosting the next Book Review Blog Carnival. Please submit your posts!

13 Reasons To Stay Single

/ Alessia / 11 Comments

Don’t get me wrong; I love being married. But sometimes I miss the little things about being single…


Thirteen Reasons To Enjoy Being Single

1. Everything in your home is yours — and remains yours — until you die.

2. You can come home after a long hard day, strip off your clothes, leave them where they lay until you feel like putting them in the laundry pile, take a long uninterrupted soak in the tub, get up and walk around naked — all free of any complaints. Or being accused of “teasing” when you aren’t in the mood.

3. Your career is the only one that matters.

4. Breakfast can be the last slice of blueberry pie — ala mode, if you wish. Or left-over Chinese take-out. No one is there to take it — or judge you.

5. You dress for yourself — and you don’t need to justify your quantity of shoes, either.

6. Lunch can be a trip to the mall.

7. Dinner can be a bowl of cereal in milk — snarfed down the minute you walk in the door because you skipped eating lunch.

8. Your closet is yours & yours alone; the only need to squeeze things in is because of your last “lunch.”

9. No annoying in-laws or significant other family members &/or friends of your partner to put up with. (Just the annoying coworkers to deal with now — and see #2.)

10. You can sleep alone in the center of the bed, in one snoring, drooling pile, without being outed for it.

(Don’t worry, you can still have sex. Just kick him or her out; one person can easily avoid the dreaded wet spot. Better yet, have sex at their place and let them worry about avoiding the wet spot.)

11. In fact, you can sleep wherever (and whenever) you wish, including the couch, after another bowl of cereal, watching your favorite movie.

12. Things are where you left them — including the toilet seat in the down position.

13. You will always like & trust the person you live with. (You!)

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Retro Radio Shack Flashback

/ Deanna / 7 Comments

Hubby brought home a few old copies of retro Radio Shack catalogs from the 1980’s. I’ve naturally managed to ignore them quite well for the past few weeks because I’ve never been much of an electronics or gadget girl — but I do have a few fond (embarrassing) Radio Shack memories…

So I finally had to pick up the old catalogs and flip through them.

Here are 13 things you can remember &/or learn about me from retro Radio Shack catalogs.

1 I have virtually no understanding of most of the stuff listed (nor it’s tech descriptions) in the catalogs. Then, as now, I only manage to memorize what I need to for a purchase and then dismiss it.

1980-radio-shack-catalog

2 I think I’m supposed to recognize the album cover shown on the catalog cover — so I keep turning back to look at it. But I’m continually distracted by the hip guy in the jogging suit and the sunshine babe in yellow. Twenty Kitsch-Slap Points to anyone who can identify the LP cover.

3 I miss big boomin’ speakers. Everything is so small today, but back then they were massive building blocks in your stereo system. And it didn’t necessarily mean men were over-compensating if they had them. That would take a few more years.

1980s-speakers

4 I think the chick being protected by her speaker-fort looks like Megan Mullally.  I wonder what she was doing in the 80’s…

5 Ah, scientific calculators… I remember in high school we were specifically told to get Texas Instruments (TI) calculators and any kids who showed up with the Radio Shack equivalents were looked funny — mainly because they were so geeky in their defense of their calculators which were supposedly better and were therefore the choice of brainiacs everywhere.

1980-radio-shack-scientific-calculators

6 Which reminds me, what’s the first thing we all learned to do with our expensive scientific calculators — TI or Radio Shack brands? Spell “hell” and “Shell Oil”. Proof that brand really didn’t matter.

7 I don’t recall ever having seen one of these red Radio Shack AM radios — but I’m guessing this hot little number adored the desk in many a brainiac’s bedroom.

retro-red-radio-shack-am-radio

8 Hey, it’s 1986 and electronic books hit the market. As a parent & a reader, I rue the day.

touch-senstive-electronic-book

But the best thing about these catalogs — the 1980 issue especially — was that I discovered the name of a retro computer game I used to play… Consider this 9-13 because it’s full of TMI.

Back in the summer of 1980 I was 16 and my BFF was Mary. We used to walk up to the K-Mart and buy lip gloss Bonnie Bell Lip Smackers (watermelon, please!), wide hair combs to stick in our back pockets, & Tiger Beat magazines — and if we didn’t have money, we’d just flip through issues.

Then we’d head to the strip mall which shared the K-Mart parking lot and cruise albums in a little vinyl shop — until we were chased out for having no money & loitering. Then, still having nothing better to do, we’d giggle over the “real man” who worked at the Radio Shack.

He was a real man, with a thick head of 80’s hair and a full mustache, not the few stray hairs boys at school had above their lips. He was hot.

One day, when they moved the new-fangled computer to the front by the door, the man called us in to test it out. Convinced he was flirting, we giggled our red-faced way into the store and let him teach us about these boxes that I’d one day spend hours of my life on.

1980-radio-shack-trs-80-model-ii

The game they had set up for consumer demos was this game where you thought of a question you wanted answered & the “girl” would ask you questions until she guessed your question. I couldn’t recall the name of the game, but there, in blue & white I discovered the name of it: “Eliza” Artificial Intelligence.

1980-radio-shack-computer-games

Eliza was no oracle; she wouldn’t give you the answer to your question, she’d just figure out your question. Are you as smart as Eliza was purported to be — can you guess my question?

My 16 year old boy man crazy self wanted to know if the man, Mark, liked me and would ask me out.

If it sounds stupid, it was. But in my immature infatuated brain, I thought it would be so romantic to have Eliza “say” to me via the TRS-80 screen, “Is your question, ‘Does Mark like you?'” — with Mark right there to give me the dreamy, “Yes, he does.”

I’m sure he would have uncomfortably said, “No.” (His fiancé called him at the store everyday while I blushed and talked to Eliza.)  And had he liked me “that way,” I’m sure my mom & dad would have been thrilled to have their 16 year daughter bring home a 23 year old man in polyester Sans-a-Belt pants, a short-sleeved white dress shirt & a tie who worked at Radio Shack & flirted with underage girls.

Anyway, I don’t really remember when or why I stopped going to flush & blush my way through conversations with Mark & Eliza… My guess is that summer ended & both of them were put out of their misery by my return to school. But in any case, I can now seriously consider getting an old TRS-80 and an Eliza game. That’s safer than figuring out what happened to Mark.

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Bridal Madness: Vintage Bridal & Baby Shower Party Plans

/ Deanna / 10 Comments

(Thursday Thirteen header by Jenn.)

Are a lot of your friends announcing engagements, getting married and having the stork visit — so many, that you’re running out of party ideas and ways to celebrate? Here are 13 vintage ideas, loaded with kitsch and just begging you to use them, maybe even update them a bit…

Remember — all the images get much much larger when you click them — so read away!

1. How To Tell The Secret, aka bridal announcement ideas, from The Bride’s Party Book, published by Dennison. Some of these may be tweaked to fit other announcements — or even used to invite guests to the next event.

2. The next few bits come from Bridal Shower Party Games, “For As Many As 20 Guests” (presumably because it originally had 20 copies of each of the game sheets), Leister Game Company, Toledo, Ohio, (N-1400). The company is still around (but the site isn’t working — or they did just perish — so some links are to Goggle cache).

Inside the front cover, ads for baby & bridal party games and products. The company has gotten racier since then; now they have “Naughty Bingo” and “Condom Blow Jobs”. So you may prefer the quaint & corny vintage Leister games.

Anyway…

One of the party games is Card Pass — “a relay race that’s a little daisy!”

Totally believe you should open a brand new pack of playing cards for this; you don’t know where the hands of previous card holders have been and you’ll be sticking them in your mouth. :shudder:

3. A game called Lucky Pairs:

4. Want-Ad Marriage (which, by the way, is also a fun game to play on girls’ night — having you write each other’s ads):

5. Variation Mystery Feelers

(Don’t know about you, but I don’t want any of the objects back — they’ll be covered in toe-jam!)

6. A Game Of Pairs


(I could be crazy, but didn’t we just do that?)

7. This next one is a fill-in-the-blank game — but don’t get excited thinking it’s a Mad-Lib; it’s a geography quiz. You fill in the blanks of the Honeymoon Trip.

Sadly, the answers were on the back cover which has been cut; so you’ll have to figure out some of these by yourself. (Treat it like a test — like you have to be this smart to get married.)

8. This next one, Wedding Spell, is some twisted spelling bingo thing. Too complicated for me these instructions are. May Yoda help me.

9. Back to the Dennison’s book again…

This time, it’s the bride who gives a party (and isn’t it about time!)

I love the sweet-kitschy-goodness of making these little dolls with faces cut from magazines — I totally want to do this for other parties (but that could be another list of 13…)

And the legal team wants me to tell you not to stuff the cuff party favor with cigs; totally not healthy or PC, you know.

I’m totally skipping the wedding day stuff; I’m certain your bride is not going to let you make crepe paper couple centerpieces. Or crepe paper anything. That doesn’t make her Bridezilla either; she just doesn’t want the kitsch enshrined forever in photos on the in-laws mantle.

(If, for some reason, you need these crepe paper frights delights, let me know.)

10. “There Went The Bride” is “A Mock Wedding for Your Anniversary Celebration” — complete with kitsch skit.

Highlights include:

The bride “as seen by her future mother-in-law — carries rolling pin decorated with flowers”.

The clergyman begins the ceremony with, “Dear Friends, we are gathered here before this congregation of fellow sufferers to join this headstrong couple with the shackles of matrimony. If anyone present can show just cause why this painful ceremony should never take place — for heaven’s sake — speak up — tomorrow may be too late!”

The groom, repeating after the clergyman, vows: “I ____ take thee ____ for my duly wedded wife, to hold, if I have to, from this day forward, in spite of your ceaseless conversation, your unappetizing cooking, your nagging and complaining, your silly girl friends and willful spending — until death do us liberate.”

The bride, repeating after the clergyman, vows: “I ____ take thee ____ for my duly wedded husband, to hold if I have to, to tolerate your black cigars, to laugh at your corny jokes, to clean up after your poker parties, to balance on your budget, until death do us liberate!”

It’s not just me who sees the bitter irony in these two sets of vows… Is it?

Well, at least the ceremony ends with handcuffs… :wink:

11-13 First comes love, then comes marriage — and if you make it through the mock wedding anniversary celebration — next comes your friend with a baby carriage. Some announcements for the new arrival:

Upon My Sole! Announcements with a shoe theme
Non-Stop Flight Announcement has a flying stork theme
The Family Tree is an announcement stretching things — using a hat rack?
Ship’s Log has a nautical theme.

All the patterns for these baby announcements are found on page 24 and the scan is here:

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13 Kitschy Finds

/ Deanna / 11 Comments


(Thursday Thirteen header by Jenn.)

Just 13 things I found shopping online and had to share this Thursday…

1. Time out of whack? Whack it back with this ping pong paddle clock:

2. Ever wonder what your kitchenware does when you’re at work? They play croquet, of course:

3. I just love this vintage watercolor of Browning, Montana’s “Drugstore & Moving Picture House, in the Snow”:

4. Is it just me, or does it look like this retro poodle got drunk on kitty whiskey?

5. Vintage 1940’s porcelain, wood and fabric Carmen Miranda pin:

6. Two great things that go great together: flamingos and black velvet!

7. Because I often write as Pop tart, you know I’m loving this Cherry Pop-Tart Ring:

8. This is a reproduction, but if you love the style of those classic retro heads — authentically colored turquoise, yet — this head’s for you:

9. Cuddle & coo with this retro Dankin Dream Pet poodle:

10. Get a bit of vintage cheesecake for your cupcake:

11. Miss Piggy went to the UK in the 80’s; bring her back.

12. Go nutty with vintage style peanut bags:

13. And what can go better with circus-style peanuts than vintage hot pink clown shoes? Answer: Nothing. Then again, few things do ever trump vintage clown shoes.

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Valentine’s Day Dating & Relationship Tips

/ Alessia / 11 Comments

Thirteen Thoughts About (& Some Gift Suggestions For) Valentine’s Day

For The Single:

1 Do remember your friends! It’s still fun to send & receive Valentines — even if they are silly, they are sweet.

2 Don’t be bitter -and go ahead, buy yourself something you want. Not to cheer yourself up, but to treat yourself. Hey, if you don’t express self love or think you’re worth treating special, who will?

(And don’t ask me to suggest things for you — you should know you. If you don’t, you are light-years away from being ready for a relationship.)

For The Bitterly Single

I told you not to be bitter; but if that ship has sailed…

3 Do try to get over it. It’s one day. And while you’re working for One Day, don’t overlook what today & this moment has for you. See: For The Single above.

4 Do try to have fun with friends — those single or or not. Have fun, enjoy yourself! But…

5 Don’t go to bars or parties if you’re feeling angry &/or desperate. (It shows and never ends well. Plus you’ll embarrass your friends and that’s not cool.)

Unless…

It’s a party just for the bitterly single. You folks can eat gummy hearts (writing your own wicked sentiments on the gift box — that’s half the fun!) and poke pins in a red Voodoo doll.

Do not, under any circumstances, give such things to even your best friend unless you too are single; like the ‘N’ word, those in relationships do not get to make such jokes.

6 Don’t call and ex. Don’t even kid yourself that you’re just friends, that it’s perfectly fine for you to go out as buddies, because even if you make it past the phone call (and he doesn’t reject you for the crazy desperate chick you are), you’ll either be doing #5 &/or end up as fuck buddies for the night.

And let’s face it, that only results in A) being in a relationship that already has been deemed wrong for you, B) with one of you over-the-moon for the other & all dreamy-eyed waiting by the phone the rest of the weekend, C) one of you thinking the other is a cheap & easy lay, ready for any 3 A.M. booty call, D) any combination of the above.

Just skip all that.

For Those Dating

7 Do get him or her a card, send an ecard or whatnot, depending upon your relationship.

8 Don’t send a card that says, “I Love You!” unless you’ve already spoken those words to one another.

9 Do get a gift — a nice, not a joke, gift — and only if you are celebrating the holiday together. Do not go overboard.

10 Don’t give inappropriate gifts. Like if you haven’t had sex with her yet, don’t give her lingerie. It’s too loaded with expectations.  Even if you’ve had sex, but this holiday is early in your relationship, avoid such cliché gifts which express a (hopeful) question or (rude) assumption rather than sentiment.  A middle of the road gift idea which says, “I love — and lust — you!” is a pretty pair of panties in a box with perfume, jewelry, &/or a book she’s wanted…  Something that expresses interest in more than just her bod.

Chicks, you typically make the mistake of going overboard in your gift giving; it’s equally inappropriate. Presenting him with something too extravagant is one part projection (it’s the extravagant gesture you want him to make) and one part presumption (that marriage is the next step, or this is The First Gift Of The Rest Of Your Lives).  Don’t make him feel guilty &/or pressured with gifts; they’re to be nice, thoughtful and fun.  For many of you this will mean spending a third (or less!) than the price of that ‘perfect’ item you instinctively thought of — or already bought. (If you already bought something ridiculously expensive, take it back now.)

For Married People Or Those Otherwise Deeply Committed

11 Do give a card and a gift. One is not a replacement for the other.

12 Do make it memorable. Here’s an excellent idea:

If you’re married or otherwise sure she’s The One, a really nice romantic touch is to also give her a (archival quality) scrapbook to store this card and all future cards in. Do this right, and you probably won’t need to have another gift. Write a little note inside, telling her that this is a scrapbook of your love… From now on, all your cards to one another shall be properly placed inside it; ephemeral proof of your lasting love that shall live on as proof for future generations. *dreamy sigh*

Yes, we love cheesy stuff like this; and no, you don’t need to tell all your macho pals. She’ll probably do that part for you anyway. *wink*

13 Don’t get your partner something that suggests work. Not even ‘from the kids’. No one wants a gift that says, “Fix my car, monkey-wrench boy!” or, “Make me some heart-shaped eggs, bitch!”

Now go forth and make with the merry, not the faux pas.

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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

13 Signs You’re In A Toxic Relationship

/ Alessia / 17 Comments


Thirteen Signs You’re In A Toxic Relationship

1 Most, if not all, of your family and friends do not like or trust your partner. This can be a tricky one to recognize for several reasons. Parents, especially, may not state their lack of trust directly because they know that in our state of love & infatuation we romanticize the “you and me against the world” mentality — they also know that this is something which the toxic partner will exploit, driving you faster away from them and into the toxic person’s grasp. Some relatives and friends may know something is ‘wrong’ but won’t know just how to prove it… But if you have people you trust warning you — even if they can offer little proof — you should continue to trust those closest to you and question this new relationship.

2 There are clearly two sets of rules, one for you & one for him, and both are set by him. Most of these things will be seen first in the form of jealousy. And in the beginning, such things will be written off as misunderstandings in the ‘getting to know you’ phase, and the drama can be seen as terribly romantic and passionate. He may even tell you that he reacts this way because of what some former girlfriend (that bitch!) did to him. Eventually, though, he will be so jealous that every last detail about how you look is a fine line between being attractive enough to please him and being a whore; he, on the other hand, may come and go as he pleases and affairs are just something you’ll have to forgive and forget, either because you were fighting at the time, or he was drunk, or he’s just a man who needs your help. You’ll become so anxious to understand his rules and avoid his reactions, that you don’t know what is worse, leaving the house alone or going out with him — so you settle for staying home and letting him go out alone because it’s less likely to upset him.

3 He will want to move in or get married quickly. He may say he’s never been so in love, or he may suggest it for economical reasons — after all, you spend all your time together — but what he wants is more access to you.

4 Once you are together, the toxic partner will disrespect and dismiss all things ‘you.’ All things you will be stupid, dumb, worthless, and on & on. He will belittle you, your body, your gender, your jokes, your hobbies, your family & friends. He will belittle you when alone, he will belittle you in front of his family, his friends, in public in front of strangers — but not so fiercely, or directly, in front of your family & associates because he is smart enough to if not charm them, then at least to remove any suggestion that he is anything other than a gem. That way, should you complain, you will not be believed. He will dismiss your upset over breaking or loss of your things. He will disrespect your privacy, right down to the most intimate bodily functions. He will ignore & dismiss your complaints with a wave of the hand — if you are lucky. (See #6, #8, #10)

5 Your partner monitors your spending, phone calls, mail, computer access, etc., and gives you time allotments for finishing errants and other tasks, especially those performed outside the home or out of his sight. My ex went to far as to call what few friends I did have along with all of his friends to find out where I was if I was not back from an errand within 20 minutes — round trip. I also had to account for all money spent to the nearest 25 cents.

6 You find yourself no longer participating in activities you once enjoyed. At first you don’t see that you’ve quietly acquiesced bits of your life; you just think you two are spending all your time together — how romantic. Ugh. I gave up browsing in bookstores & the library — those time limits vanished too quickly to really browse. I gave up classes & groups, such as pottery class and book clubs, because he thought that stuff was stupid. I also gave up shooting pool with friends — even when out with him — because other men might notice me.

7 Even though your finances are supposed to be shared, he will control the spending, the accounts, access to the money. He will play daddy with the money, holding your Barnes & Noble gift cards in his wallet for you, “Because you know how absent minded you are, dear.” (This way he not only scores the gift cards, but discredits you along the way.) He will use those gift cards when he wants to, without apology. I remember one Christmas he sent me out with my credit card (one I had in my name before we were married) to buy all the Christmas presents — and then he refused to pay one cent of that bill. I had to beg to earn the money from him to pay it off.

8 You find yourself isolated, alienated &/or cut-off from family and friends. If stopping all your usual activities and socializing habits hasn’t already alienated you from your family and friends, he will start misunderstandings and fights between you and your relatives and friends. When my friends called, my ex used to pretended to be talking to me while passing me the phone saying horrid things such as, “I’m not going to tell her you don’t want to talk to her,” or, “That Cathy you call ‘The Cow’ is on the phone for you,” etc. I didn’t know any of this until after the divorce, of course. Some of us never know why or how… We just find ourselves isolated, without a support system, in a world dominated & controlled by him.

9 You find yourself flinching, cringing or otherwise fearful even if your partner has never struck you. A part of you recognizes what’s to come, even if you don’t cognitively think it — or refuse to see it.

10 When he hurts &/or disappoints you, the conversation’s focus becomes all about him. Not just an angry lecture about what he wants and demands and how you have disappointed him (that usually is part of the abuse activities); but he becomes contrite, even cries, asking you to forgive and even to save him. It’s so ridiculous that it’s hard to believe, but it’s true. I remember once, holding my ex while he cried, soothing him telling him everything would be alright — this after he beat me with balled fists for the first time. He will make many promises to be good, to get counseling, to make it up to you — none of which will ever be carried out past a smile and some trinket. But by this time, you’ll be so relieved to have him happy — or at least not agitated and angry — that you’ll accept it just to keep the peace.

11 You find yourself changing shifts at work (if allowed to work outside the home), denying yourself regular sleep habits, to accommodate his schedule and wishes. If you have children, you will also find yourself, however unconsciously, trying to be a protective shield between them and the abuser. It is also another reason why you do not leave the house to attend activities with friends — because you do not want to leave the children home alone with him.

12 He threatens you, your children &/or your pets with violence. My ex used to threaten my then-grade-school-aged daughter that her cat would be dead by the time she came home from school; neither she nor I can remember why. Violent threats are not just statements the abuser is willing to make, he’s willing to carry them out too. When he does, you might not remember why either.

13 You, your children, &/or pets are hit, shoved, raped, or otherwise assaulted.

If you recognize any of these signs in your relationship, get out of the relationship. If you are living with a controller, abuser or toxic partner, seek assistance. Feel free to contact me and visit Women Against Domestic Violence. And if you are on a computer that he has access to, clear your broswer cache!

If you see these signs in a family member or friend’s relationship, take great care in what you do. Here’s a great tip sheet for you.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here! UPDATE: The original site appears to be down, so please check Thursday-13.com!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

13 Reasons To Hate Cosmo – In Just One Issue

/ Alessia / 10 Comments

Gawd I hate Cosmo. It’s like they simply cannot fathom that we see they’ve been running the same articles over & over again since Helen Gurley Brown became editor-in-chief in 1965, and began using the mag as an extension of 1962’s Sex and the Single Girl.

Don’t get me wrong, Sex & the Single Girl was wildly wonderful for the time (and holds up much better than you might think); but it was one book in 1962 and if we’re supposed to have come a long way, baby, then why the hell are we operating off a 1962 manual?

Plus, you can only recycle so much.

Even if you think, “There’s new chicks aging into woman’s mags every year,” you have to accept the fact that they know — or should frickin’ know — that old news is not only old news but hurtful and dangerously inaccurate.

Thirteen Examples Why I Hate Cosmo
(All from the February, 2009, issue.)

1 On page 50, In The Best Times To Impress Him, under “When his buddy gets dumped,” the advice reads as follows:

If your female friend suffers a breakup, you bring over Sex and the City DVDs and talk about how she “feels.” If your guy’s male friend gets the ax, however, he has only one job: to help the dude get laid. So give your man the green light to spend more time than usual acting as a wingman when out with the boys.

Ugh. So A), couples only have same-sex friends, they are B) stereotypes. (My friends and I — male and female — have a strict code that should any of us own &/or view Sex & the City, we are to drive them to the closest impatient care facility & destroy the DVDs.) And C) pimping is good for your relationship, so to hell with the scars on either “your guy’s male friend” or his sexual conquests.

2 Page 54, “How I got him to…” is an ode to man-ipulation. It starts with the “men are easily distracted like babies” — so change his cell phone ring to his favorite tune to keep him from answering it (hey, he’ll like listening to the small clip repeated so much that he’ll totally ignore a call from work, his mom… maybe even you). And then ends with stuff you already should know how to do, like if he says it’s natural to flirt with other women so you’re free to do the same, feel free to do it. (We know it may not make him get jealous and stop like “Chloe” wanted; but hell, neither of you are dead; so why the hell not flirt? Flirting is not picking-up or cheating.)

3 page 67: Beauty News. It’s not “ads” but the usual editorial serving as ads; and even worse, it’s stupid.

When you pull off your tights, a cloud of dust pops up. Cold temps plus indoor heat zap moisture. Switch to a hydrating body wash, like Caress Glowing Touch, $3.50.

4 Page 74: Beauty Q & A:

Q: When I wear heavy fabrics, I sweat a lot. What can I do to prevent it?

A: “Layer a cotton tee under a sweater — the natural fibers absorb moisture,” says NYC derm Doris Day. Also try a stronger sweat blocker, like Secret Clinical Strength Anti-Perspirant, $7.99.

‘Cuz A) believing the “derm” wouldn’t sell Secret ad space and B) asking why she wears sweaters in the first place is out of the question… Because “Q” is a made-up question from struggling editors.

5 Fun Fearless Males 2009, page 83. Heavens, if they are so fun & fearless — and celebrities — why don’t I already know about them? And why would I care? It’s not like I’m so deluded to think that my discovery of them (should I even agree with their sales pitch selections) makes me frickin’ eligible to date them.

6 Page 98: What Sex Feels Like for Him. Yeah, we can count on Cosmo to tell us how our man feels about us & with us; so there’s no need, should we A) actually be curious or B) not already have him telling us what he wants and why, to actually ask our real, not pseudo-Cosmo-guy, ourselves.

7 Page 103 starts 50 Guy Phrases Translated, in which Cosmo rapes other written works, distilling them to hysterical uselessness. Cracking the male “cryptic code” includes translating, “Can we talk about this later,” to, “I never want to talk about this again.”

Gee, really?

I suppose next you’ll tell me that when he says “We should go out sometime,” that he’s just afraid to really ask me out… And “You look hot” means he wants to have sex. Oh wait, that’s #2 & # 29.

8 We are not to be “alarmed” by our “freaky sex dreams, we are soothed (starting on page106).” Sex with the ex, girl-on-girl action, and dreams of sex without condom use aren’t what we fear think they are — nope, they aren’t even hot dreams we should just enjoy.

Cosmo, you’re worse than a wet blanket; at least then I’d have a wet spot & be damn happy for it.

9 In Love & Lust (apparently a regular feature) the Cosmo skinny is that playing hard to get (but not too hard to get) is phat. Yes, it’s 2009 and we believe women don’t know that the thrill of the chase is thrilling to both chaser and chasee. I mean, come on; this is the stuff we all miss when we ‘settle down’ and, if we take each other for granted, end up in divorce court for.

But thanks, Cosmo, for telling the women of today who paid $4.50 for your rag that “texting him your location at all times” is “not hard enough”, that waiting to reply to his text a day later with “Who r u?” is “too hard” but that “sending short texts and resisting the urge to engage in volleys” is “just hard enough.”

10 On page 112, more of Love & Lust, has the classic, “he lost his class ring in my pussy” story. If you don’t know it, ask your dad to tell you a sex joke.

And then work on your freakin’ Kegles for gawd’s sake.

11 Page 192, in Cosmo Weekend Living, we are advised not to make our rooms too girlie &/or paint our rooms pink because “guys don’t feel comfortable in estrogen-heavy rooms.”

Yeah, unless our estrogen-heavy bods are naked; then, like they notice — let alone care.

12 Page 52: Cosmo for your guy — “show this to your man!” Two problems here: A) the whole mag is an ode pandering to negative male stereotypes, so if you’re going to encourage him, why stop at one page? and B) if your guy needs help to know that whispering “Remember that time on the kitchen floor?” is sexier than whispering “I’m so drunk!” to you, I doubt reading it in print in Cosmo will be of any help — to either of you.

(And then he might just flip through it and start thinking about your pink duvet and why you programmed the ringtone on his phone.)

13 Oh, are we at thirteen already? But there’s so much more… OK, I’ll give you just one more & then I’ll stop. For now. The perfumed ads reek. As if I didn’t have a headache already.

PS I didn’t buy this copy of Cosmo; I liberated it my sister-in-law from it. And yes, she heard all of this as an oral presentation as I took it.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here! UPDATE: The original site appears to be down, so please check Thursday-13.com!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

13 Dating & Relationship Tips De-Myth-tified

/ Alessia / 3 Comments


Thirteen Things About Dating & Relationships

1 Meeting people is hard. Come on people, unless you are a hermit and not on the internet, you meet people every single day. So stop whining that meeting people is hard when the fact is you’re not making the effort. In fact, if you can’t make the effort to meet people you’re just not ready to be in a relationship; keeping a relationship alive and working takes more effort than finding Mr. or Ms. Right.

2 There’s such a thing as “dating fatigue”. Bah. You’re not tired of dating; you’re just tired in general or too lazy to smile, practice good hygiene, make any effort at all. True, you should not date when you are a sleepy-slacker-dating-putz; but don’t blame it on ‘them’. It really is you, darling.

3 Never make yourself “too” available. The game of playing hard-to-get only entices other game players & puts off sincere people. While it’s true you shouldn’t stalk (it’s illegal) or pant like a puppy at the object of your affection’s heels, the fact is that you should make the time to meet & get to know interesting people — if you are a fascinating woman, interested in many things with activities & plans to prove it, your schedule will make arranging dates difficult enough as it is.

4 Compromising means giving up what you like. Compromising is like trading; you both give and take. As a general rule you should never ever give up what you like to do, be it attending book club, dancing with the girls — or in bed. How can he or she be The One, add to your happiness, when you are giving up something which is vital to your happiness and who you are?

5 Work out in advance where you are likely to meet people. This is like stalking — only you have no clue who you will be stalking. What I believe (and hope!) people who advise this really mean is that you should follow your interests and passions by attending events related to them — where you will naturally meet people with similar interests. For example, you like art history? Attend local university galleries, lectures and book store events. Immersed in what you are interested in, you’re more likely to meet people — friends (who know other people), potential dates, and, sure a few. (Talking with people will help you separate the posers from those really interested.) This is called living your life, finding your bliss, and meeting new people along the way. Even if you’re dating online you need something to put in the profile, right?

6 It’s more difficult for shy people to find dates. It may be a bit more true for the shy males (more on that later), but really, after the first hour or so, even the most fascinating, scintillating bar-fly will find that her groupies have dispersed, the men not ‘in like Flynn’ off circulating. (And the wise woman who receives all that attention from the start also knows she has to chase off a few of those with the biggest swagger in order to view those at the fringe or sitting elsewhere.) You don’t need to be a loud-attention-seeking-missile of an extrovert to get attention.

7 Date in your own league. The experts will say to choose only those ‘targets’ that you have a good chance of dating and couch it with kindness saying, “Don’t aim low; but do aim realistically.” Jeebuz that bugs the crap outta me. Who the hell’s to say what dating league you belong to? Are we to be superficial ninnies who decide that “money” makes for a “better” “dating league” than kindness? Do “big boobs” put you closer to that league? Forget all this crap and just do what you want to do — literally. Like yachts? Get one and go yachting. Ditto horses, fancy cars, art, rare historical manuscripts, etc. Don’t worry if you can’t afford it; there are clubs, groups, lessons, lectures, and other events where you can learn without owning. And should you prefer bowling, darts, beer or whatever it is that you feel is more ‘lowbrow’ and join the leagues, groups, bars etc. which offer those things; rich folks & those with big boobs like those things too. Let your interests dictate your activities — and who you meet; not some silly “dating league” hierarchy.

8 Get a new look, new clothes. While such things can be a pick-me-up for a foul or depressed mood, the truth is a new look can make you feel uncomfortable and self-conscious. Maybe you’re not used to those itchy bangs, eating with red lipstick on… Maybe the shorter skirt length makes you nervous perching on that bar stool, the top which requires a new bra makes you fidget with the straps… Maybe you’ll discover on your date that you’re allergic to whatever it is those new earrings are made of. Ick! Wear only the clothes you are comfortable — and attractive — in. I wouldn’t suggest wearing those old sweat pants you lounge on the sofa in, but wear what makes you feel confident. If and when you update your look, give yourself plenty of time to get used to it before going out in it.

9 Join a gym; begin a health & diet regime to look your best. You should be doing this stuff for you — not dating. Your health matters period. But if you’re not interested in being fit (or being that fit), don’t pose. No one wants to date the super-fit-hot-bod only to find that after months of dating she’s “let herself go.” (See #4 too.)

These last four have to do with politeness v. stupidity. Sure, you want to be polite, considerate, but not to the point of stupidity. Of course, you also don’t want to look like a needy neurotic either.

10 Should you ask your date if they had a good time? No. That’s a sign of a needy neurotic. Wait for him or her to call, ask you out again — or not. There’s your answer. You can & should offer your own, “I had a great time!” — but only if it’s sincere and you are not looking for a response back. (And even if they respond with a “me too” remember, they may just have been being polite; so wait for that call before you believe it.)

11 Should you try to please your date? Well, you certainly shouldn’t be rude! But don’t be a people-pleasing-puppy at their feet either. You don’t have to agree with all their opinions, do what they want on every date. Dates are to help you both determine if you’re a good match. Pretending to be interested in something you’re not, or posing as someone you are not helps no one. (See #4)

12 Should you talk about your baggage? Your ex? Your children? There’s a fine line here between informing someone of the realities of the situation and being an annoying boring record with the needle stuck. As a general rule, talk of any baggage should only be limited to relative conversation (i.e. you are asked) or a need-to-know basis. The latter category consists of things such as you are an alcoholic and you’ve been asked to go to a bar or winery. It also includes things like that you have a psycho ex who follows you about or had friends monitor you — and you’re sure it’s happening right now. (Better to tell your date than to spend it in private angry conversation with some dude by the door, or have to dash without explanation.) When it comes to kids many moms want to shield the children from their dating — which is a good idea until you have a serious relationship. But the people you are dating have a right to know and, yes, the right to refuse dating you because you have children. (Save everyone the long nights crying into the phone &/or pillows and state it up front.) Just remember: Baggage may be something you take with you everywhere; but it doesn’t need to be opened & the contents spilled out everywhere.

13 Should you answer your phone, check messages on your PDA/Blackberry/etc? It’s always a good idea to shut such devices off. Dealing with others on a date, be it flirting with the bartender or talking with your sister, is bad form. If you need to check for messages (boss, babysitter, etc.), do it during a short trip to the restroom — and keep it quick!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!